Thomas Beatie Messed With The Roles

Thomas Beatie is all the rage these days. Beauty queen turned manly man, turned pregnant dude. He started as a she who didn't dig on being a she, turned into a he, and married a she. But he saved his she bits, and now he will be doing the she task of making a baby. Get it? Got it? Good.

It's the talk of town. Human interest, big awwws in the mix. Everyone's got something to say about the man who's having a baby. Nifty words are getting thrown around like beads at Mardi Gras. Words like, "magical, inspiring, hope, confusing, miraculous, strange," and my personal favorite, "made-for-TV movie."

Many are probably still trying to process this information. Can't fault them. This is a hard pill to swallow. Kind of messes with the perceptions a little bit. Have to rethink this bastard sideways you know? So, I took a long weekend with the information and processed it in the ol' noodle.

And I don't think I feel super good about all this.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's any legal or ethical issues that need to be brought up. Mr. Beatie has every right to change his gender, and to have a baby. Long as he pays the medical bill, it's all kosher with me. And the whole "transgender" thing really doesn't bother me either. While I can't say I've ever known a person who dabbles in the genders, I certainly wouldn't refuse a drink with someone who's made the flip. Learning about what makes a woman want to be man or vice versa sounds like it'd make for some damned interesting conversations. Hell, if their tastes in drink and music are good, and the boundaries are clear, it might be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. So none of that stuff bothers me.

What concerns me is one little factoid in this equation: The fact that he's married.

The man, err.........woman,........err Thomas, has a wife. Very lovely lady from what I can tell. Seems to be pretty supportive and positive about this whole thing, at least what little I saw on Oprah. But I don't think this whole thing is right for her, and I'll tell you why.

There are roles in relationships. Every couple has them, every couple needs them. Doesn't matter if you're gay, a lesbian, or into some of that other stuff, there is still a basic infrastructure of independent roles. One person always has the aggressive, competitive qualities of a male, and the other tends to be the more supportive, sensitive soft spoken female type. And that's not to say women aren't competitive or that men can't be sensitive, just that usually these tendencies are a lot stronger in those respective groups. Opposites attract, it's how the game goes. Sensitive types want a stronger alpha who will stand up for them. The alphas want someone who won't constantly challenge their needs to be at the head of things. Doesn't matter what bolt you're cut from, all follow the roles

And I admit, the roles are in constant flux. Seventy years ago, the alpha was the breadwinner, and his/her mate stayed at home cooking and cleaning. These days everyone works, and the rudiments of cuisine and household chores can and are managed by any soul, so long as it gets done. Women have corner offices and men work from home while watching children. It's certainly nothing new. Still, roles exist. And while they may not be clearly defined on paper or the evening schedule over at TV Land anymore, they're there.

And I bring up the notion of roles with regards to this breaking news because I'm concerned that Thomas' wife Nancy, may have lost hers.

Think about this for a second if you would. Here is a woman, who has a very confusing state in her relationship. Either she met Thomas assuming she was a man, and later found out he was a woman, or she is a lesbian who wanted to be with a woman, and is now married to one who is legally a man. No matter which way you slice it, some sacrifices had to have been made on her part to insure happy death 'til you part.

But the love is there, so she sticks with it.. Takes on the role of "Wife." She signed a marriage certificate to that effect, gets called it when in public, and doesn't seem to mind it.

Now, I won't pretend to understand the dynamics of a transgender relationship, but it is my understanding that the role of "Wife" typically has one, never-changing, always constant role in a relationship. The privileged role of being called "Mother."

Nancy Beatie gets to be the wife without being a mom. And that seems kind of bogus. It's probably hard enough having a husband whose technically a woman and be married to a woman who's technically a man. Now she doesn't get to conceive either? What becomes of her role now? Is she supposed to take on the fatherly characteristics of raising a child while still being addressed as "My wife" by her mate?

It strikes me as being very selfish to take this away from her. She is a woman, been one since birth. And she has had no problems with that. And now it's like she's being forced to play "Husband" to Thomas, because he wants to play "Wife" again. Sorry pal, it's gotta be one or the other. And not because of any man's bible or because it's confusing to the rest of us, but because your spouse needs you to be consistent. Frankly, you seem to be pretty wishy-washy in how you conduct your relationship. I want to be treated like a man, but have the opportunity to be a woman when I feel like it? This sort of indecisiveness may work when you're a college student trying to pick a major, or in line at your local fast food establishment, but not in matrimony buster. When you drop the vows, you need to create a stable world for your mate. You said the words to a religious or legal official, stick by them.

Granted, I may not understand the dynamics of their relationship, and I readily accept that. Maybe she loves Thomas so much that it made her happy for him to have the opportunity. Maybe she wanted nothing to do with the act of childbirth. God knows I wouldn't either. But after watching that Oprah episode on Youtube a few times, I have my doubts. Watch it if you get a chance, and keep your eyes on Nancy. Watch her as she sits next to Thomas, or is with him at the doctor's office. She's quiet, stares at the floor a lot, and looks like she wants to say something but can't. You can almost see her feeling like a third wheel in all this. And who could blame her? While her mate is making history, she has to basically nod and talk of being "supportive." Meanwhile, the roles that defined her in this relationship are gone.

Still, I suppose one can't believe everything they see on TV. So, Thomas, if your spouse Nancy is into this 100% and will support and love you every day with no regrets about anything, I support you. You've got a strong marriage and I wish you the best, for you and your little one.

However, if what I speak is even remotely true and Nancy is feeling a bit dejected, then you owe this woman bigger than you could imagine. A relationship like yours is hard enough I suspect, without making your significant other feel isolated because of your selfish desires. Be prepared to put in work buddy.