Damn Internet Abbreviations

I'm an idiot. Y'see, I'm not the most articulate speaker of internet jargon. I know my LOL's and OMG's and what have you, but it's not something I do in any big way. Still, I prided myself in being fluent in the basics. That is until I discovered that FTW translates into "For The Win."

I'm so embarrassed. All this time, I thought it was short for "Fuck The World."

And to think, here I was all excited to see so many people as angry as me.

Stealing Music or: How The RIAA Got Dumber

Y'know, I was one of those people who thought that the RIAA pretty much reamed Jammie Thomas back in November. Making a person pay close to a quarter million for what amounts to 2 CD's worth of tunes? Total bullshit man.

I was willing to at least pretend I understood the reasons for harping on Napster, Morpheus, and Kazaa. Those sites were responsible for moving tons of music, and it may have meant a lot of cool artists weren't getting their pittance from the labels. And while I didn't think it was the all out destruction of musicians, like they were making it out to be, I could at least see their point.

However, throwing around outrageous numbers and dumping them on a woman, who's in a less than secure financial position, just seems mean. And this all happened for what? Vanessa Williams and Richard Marx? For fuck's sake man, most of the shit she downloaded could be purchased at Wal Mart in some eight dollar compilation. It's petty scare tactics, which upsets me greatly. So, I shook my head and figured that the RIAA couldn't get any more low-down.

Somehow, they managed to surprise me.

Apparently there's a new lawsuit going on, and the level of bullshit has escalated. Here's the scoop, the RIAA is after a dude from Arizona. And it's not because he's taken gobs of tunes from Kazaa, or is selling black market CD's on street corners. His crime, according to the RIAA, is that he legally purchased music, and then ripped it to his computer.

Uhh..... what?

Are you telling me if I spend my hard-earned coin on a CD, then slap it on my mp3 player, I can be prosecuted for a crime? And all on the basis that I can potentially pass it around? Is that how this works?

I guess you sorry sacks must be too busy weeping about how you had to trade in the Lexus for a Toyota, you forgot to consider that "I BOUGHT THE SHIT!!!!!!"

If a crack-head breaks into my home and plundered some CD's, the ensuing police report would clearly indicate that MY albums were stolen. Every time I picked up some tunes, I was given a receipt that clearly denotes ownership. My compact disk collection is not on lease motherfucker. And if I ran my life by your logic, then every time I bought a watermelon, I could be fined by keeping the seeds! Because god forbid I should try to grow my own goddamned fruit.

For those RIAA supporters out there (all twelve of you,) you may think I'm being a little insensitive. After all, these guys are trying to insure that musical types get the money they're owed for the work they've put in. I'd like to point out to you people, I am one of those musical types. And despite my presence in the musical industry, I wouldn't let the RIAA near my business if they were offering me hookers and ice cream.

And I know with all certainty that there will be folks who will buy BGO tunes, then make copies of it for their chums. And I am also aware that this will mean I only earn money for one album when several were spawned from it.

But I could care less.

The reason being is that the minute someone pays me money for something I've created, I no longer have any say so in what gets done with it. If someone bought a pretty picture I painted, then dropped it on the ground and pissed on it, there's not much I could do. Sad as I would be watching my work turn yellow, it's no longer mine to protect. I write my music for the people. Every song I wrote was done with the hope that someone would like it so much, they'd want to keep it for themselves. Hell, those people might like the music so much, they'd share it with their friends. Friends who may never pay for it. That's cool too.

And does that scare me? You bet your ass it does. Being an artist is an investment of time and resources. Aside from spending the cash to put music in the world, there are promotional costs, instrument maintenance, acquiring new gear, maintaining old gear, and tending to the occasional catastrophe (like having a computer that swallows music.) Artists, loving what they do, will pay those costs. But in a world where credit cards and mortgages rule, one's craft must always come secondary. And when that happens, the art remains a hobby. Something you do when you have the time.

The BGO has yet to pay for itself. I have yet to recoup what I paid to get the music out in the world. But that's not a super big deal to me. I enjoy the work and was writing all those tunes for fun. Making music is a way I relax, and can challenge myself, all while reveling in creation. It's my zen baby.

That said, I'm getting to that place where I'm looking at second vehicles, my own home, and the joys of security. These things involve a lot of coin, and more time away from the studio. If the music cannot sustain me, then I need to turn to the big boy jobs. That means I'll have less time to write, which may mean less music for you. If things get too hectic, there might come a day where I would have to put the bass down forever and focus on being an adult.

It's a scary thing for a guy like me, who only wants to make music for the rest of his days. I'm happiest when I write, and would love nothing more than to be able to do this as my job. The less I would earn, the harder it would be for me to follow that dream. If nobody ever buys the music, it's possible there may never be another BGO album.

But despite my concerns, I still refuse to be bothered by the notion that people can freely copy my music whenever they like. I am an artist, and an artist is made by fans. All you good people who read my bitching and listen to my shit are what define how good I am. And if you're giving copies of my stuff away to your buddies, it means I've got a chance to have a new fan. And that's a damn cool thing. Certainly something that's of more value than a few extra pennies in my pocket. So, I'll let you folks decide my destiny. If I'm successful, it'll because you made me that way. In the end, I'm just glad you were willing to even listen.

So, to summarize, the RIAA remains an organization of smelly douche bags, and I am grateful that I'm around in a time where I don't have to have them in my business. I put out my music on my terms, and there isn't a damn thing they can do about it. You hear that you RIAA needle-dick suck cows? My music is freely available to people, and they can choose what happens to it. Woe is you motherfuckers, you'll be handing me cheeseburgers in a paper hat within 3 years time.

UPDATE (12/30/07) Engadget is now reporting that the facts may have been stretched regarding the lawsuit. Supposedly, they are suing not because of ripping CD's into digital files, but for old school illegal downloading. However, the RIAA is hasn't stopped claiming that making those digital copies is copyright infringement. Which means, I'm still as angry as I was before.

Boogie's Hiatus

As many of you know, I've got this musical project going on called the Bastard Groove Orchestra. And you probably also know I've got an album's worth of music out right now that I'm pretty proud of. Probably been hard not to notice, considering I'm the one constantly shoving it in your faces right?

I've been pitching the BGO for close to two years now, making promises on all this music that would soon be released. Before I even tried my hand at Myspace, I had a complete album ready to go. And while I teased everyone with the idea that, "Soon you too could own the music," I was sitting in my dark decrepit studio, furiously at work on the follow-up. I had a second album more than halfway done before the world could even own the first. And I was feeling pretty good about things.

Then this November, I did something nobody thought I would ever do... I actually released the first album. "Fuzzy Jank" was the name, and I spent the weeks following the release singing it's praises to anyone who would listen, and to a lot of poor folks who wouldn't.

Then the month of December rolled around, and something new happened altogether, I disappeared. Vanished without a trace. No more hyping the product, overzealous promotion, no more music whatsoever. All gone bye bye.

Now, I'm sure not having me breathe down everyone's necks has made everyone a bit happier. But some have actually been curious about what sent me running and screaming into the night. Hell, I've been pitching the greatness of the BGO for two years now, and I was pitching my musical greatness even before that. Many who have known me for years might remember that no matter what sound or genre I was toying with at the time, I had no problem saying I was better at it and more sincere with it than any other musician in the world. I am a confident motherfucker, and stand by my work. So, when I have some actual work to stand behind, I bail on everyone and disappear. So, what gives right?

Frustration baby, pure and simple.

I've lived by the mantra that if you make good shit, it'll speak for itself. So I dropped e-mails with attached songs, and sent them out into world. And I did this knowing, that all the music blogs, podcasts, and such would hear my greatness, completely flip out, and start forcing my masterpiece upon the world.

Yep, that's what I thought would happen. Now, can you guess what did happen? If you're saying "not a damn thing," you're absolutely right. Nothing happened. No great write-ups, no playing of the music, not even a nice response that said "Thank you, but you suck." Nothing.

And with a big heap of nothing on my lap, I began to question if I really was all I cracked myself up to be. Maybe my shit wasn't awe-inspiring, revolutionary, or even any good. Perhaps spending so much time in the bullshit world I created in my skull might actually not be so healthy after all.

But the thing that pushed it all over the edge was the day I discovered my computer was secretly eating my music.

My aged HP Pavilion, keeper of my musical legacy for more than seven years now, was taking musical files, and making them disappear. More specifically, it was taking "new" musical files and making them disappear. And by new, I mean the second BGO album. Every completed piece of work, save for a couple of drum tracks and 3 vocal takes, was no more.

Now, I possessed master copies of all the songs which were still safe. However, the individual tracks in my audio workstation had vanished. For those of you who don't speak musician, I'll explain. Y'see, the audio workstation on my computer allows me to look at each instrument has a separate track. The guitar occupies one track, the drums another, etc. From these tracks, I can adjust volumes, fade the sound from left to right, or edit certain sections of what I recorded. Now the master, is a self-contained version of the song that is non adjustable.

Translation, if there was anything wrong with any of the new songs, I no longer have the option of simply looking at the tracks and adjusting the problem. I would have to start from scratch and completely re-write the song.

Not a problem if there was nothing wrong with the music. But hell, I'm a perfectionist, I can easily find things wrong. So, there I sat, trying to accept the idea that I may actually have to re-record every single piece of music I have made up until this point. Considering how some of that shit was a one-time inspiration deal, I couldn't see that happening. And, my mind was already done with the album and on to the next. I had recorded all the instrument tracks I was going to use for the album and was slowly getting the lyrics and vocals together. My playing style and mindset were already moving on to new pastures. I didn't have it in me to suddenly backtrack and try to capture the old magic.

So, out of frustration and disappointment, I put it all down and walked away. And now, I'm writing this. So, what does that mean for the future of the BGO?

It means that soon I'll be back in the studio, re-writing songs, and finishing up what's left of the new album. No matter how tired and frustrated I may be, at the end of it all I'm still Boogie Man Montoya, head of the Bastard Groove Orchestra. It's who I am, and what I do best. And even if 2008 comes and goes, and still nobody gives a rat fuck about my music, I'll still keep doing it. Until the day comes where I haven't the time, or all this just ceases to be fun for me, I will always be here.

This will also mean, that eventually, the promotion, and hype will again resonate from my cocky-ass lips. Sorry to have to do that to ya, but it's part of the job.

Hope you enjoyed the vacation.

You Will Be Patriotic!

Well, Utah's lawmakers have done it again. They've gone and proved to everyone that there are still yokels in the world, and that they're all congregating in Utah government. Apparently, one of our wise senators decided to go and do something for the kids, and is pushing a bill to have the American Flag and a copy of the Declaration of Independence in every classroom of every school in our fine state.

His reasoning? He's doing it because “There’s not a lot of patriotism going around out there.” Not a lot of patriotism you say? Huh.

So, we're just going to ram it down the throats of the kiddies and make them swallow? Well, I guess that's one approach. Many of you parents may even recognize it. Do you remember how you tried this approach to make them do things like piano lessons, ballet, and brussel sprouts? How'd that work out for you? Not too well you say? How shocking.

Hmm, could it be that brute force and the phrase "because I said so," may not be the answer?

Now, I don't want you to think I've got anything against the Declaration of Independence because I don't. That's damn fine history right there and having a copy of it around seems like a pretty cool idea. The notion of a bunch of guys flipping the bird to England and saying "You know what? You don't own us," is enough to make anyone feel pretty righteous.

So the problem isn't that some lawmakers want us to have a few facsimiles of the artifacts in our history. But it becomes a problem when they're trying to push in on kids so they can better meet the status quo. And that's wrong no matter where you sit.

Every day, you good people pay tons of taxes. things like gas, food, and water always take a little off the top. When you see your paycheck, it's hard to miss how much the government has taken away from the time you've put in. This, as I'm sure you're aware, is the cost of freedom.

You know what people? You've paid your dues, and you can be as patriotic as you goddamn please.

As far as that document they're pushing so hard to shove in your children's faces is concerned, you have met the criteria for being a good citizen. You've gotten that job, and paid those taxes. And as a bonus, you've done right by your family, done some goodwill, and avoided murdering people. Right now, the founding fathers think you're alright.

And if you happen to be disappointed with the state of you country, and are less than compelled to sing it's praises, well shit, that's fine. Keep at it I say. It's not only aq privilege of democracy, it's damn responsible too. The people in charge need to know when the peasants are pissed, so they can get up and fix some shit. If we didn't do that, we might get flung into something ridiculous, like a pointless war, or failing to help people in need, or a recession or...............oh, wait.

Anyways, I say kids should have a chance to check out the Declaration of Independence in some form or another. Let them take in the words, and the meanings behind them, and know what this whole democracy thing is supposed to be about. But don't force it on them. Don't insist that the reading and comprehension of such a document is the only true path to being a good American, because it's not. That's like saying the only way to be a man is to bang a chick in somebody's backseat. And the game isn't played that way.

So, go ahead. Give the kids a chance (not a required one either) to flip through the Declaration of Independence. Let them read the Constitution or any other texts you choose. But if those kids walk away from the experience not feeling the slightest bit more patriotic, then throw your hands up and say, "Oh well, I tried." The important thing is that they'll know what the hub-bub is all about.

Hell, maybe they'll even develop the sense to ignore certain ass-brained senators.

Curses!

As you astute people may have already figured out, I tend to drop a fair bit of profanity. What can I say? I'm a curser. I love to curse, and make no apologies for it. Curse words are the salt on my fucking steak. Added refinement to an already quality lingual sense.

Occasionally, I find myself in a situation where I have to mind my manners. As soon as I'm out of said situation, I tend to cuss and swear twice as much. Y'know, to catch up. And if I need to keep the language in check for a few hours at a time, I've been heard singing a certain little ditty to boost the ol' spirits. The four letter word is my Shakespeare.

Being the bohemian that I am, I favor an open-minded approach to how the king's profanity gets used. Swearing is, after all, a tool that helps us function in society. Where would our lives be now without the ability to use a well placed "Fuck you," or "Kiss my ass?" People need their tools, and naturally implement them differently.

Still, criteria must be maintained. The hardware can still be very much misused. I mean, you couldn't use a dildo for a soldering iron, so naturally you can't misuse use your cussing.

The biggest crime I notice is how people tend to stress the fact that they're swearing. They keep putting all that added volume and emphasis on those mighty F-Bombs. The problem with this is it takes away from the rest of the sentence. If you were in the process of making a sharp, well thought out point, then you screwed the pooch buddy! All everyone's gonna remember is the big, overstated swear word that they've probably heard a million times before from people much more interesting than you.

Another thing, emphasizing your profanity basically tells the world, "Hey, look what I know!" You're bragging. And your bragging about something that everybody already knew about. Nobody is a stranger to cuss words anymore. We're aware they're about in the world. So, all your doing is pointing out the Mona Lisa to people. And that's no good.

The next big profanity faux pas is people mixing up their four-lettered goodness. using curse words that don't fit the situation you're referring to. Doing so makes you sound more like an idiot than you could know. Case in point, the other day I heard someone call a person an "Assdick." What does that even mean? I'm all for literary license, but c'mon, that doesn't even make sense. Rehearse your shit, and don't rely on a quantity of curse words to save your ass.

The final big insult, is those precious individuals who sugarcoat the profanity. You all know at least one of them. In the private confines of their mental space they swear as good as any of us, but in a public setting, they go for looking innocent. They invent words that sound like a cuss, and have the same meaning as a cuss, but are in fact, not a cuss.

Examples include:

• Frick
• Biz-nitch
• Sheez
• Gosh Darn It
  
• And if you live in Utah......."Oh my heck."

Unforgivable! You know what you're trying to say. The people you're talking to know what you're trying to say. You're not fooling anyone. Why not do yourself a favor, and let loose with the real deal? I bet you'll feel a whole hell of a lot better. And the people who listen to you will realize that you're a person of quality, who accepts profanity as a natural part of our lingual history.

So good people, I encourage you to step out there, and swear away! Add a little color to your ideas, and express them to a waiting world. So stand up with a full heart and a strong voice and say:

Fuck an ass and go bitch to a dick!

Peace and love.

People I Hate: Rachael Ray

Name:
Rachael Domenica Ray

Born:
August 25, 1968
Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Profession:
Celebrity, Culinary arts

Reason I Hate Her:
Because nobody should be that happy.


I really don't care how nice she is, or how tasty her recipes are, because it's near impossible to get past the fact that the woman smiles too fucking much! For fuck's sake man, it's like watching the Joker's retarded cousin hopped up on antidepressants. I'm almost uncomfortable looking at it.

And it seems like the only reprieve we get from that freakish smile is when she sticks food in her mouth. Of course, then we have to deal with her getting all bug-eyed and spouting catch phrases like "Yum-o" or "Delish," which have their own special brand of pain to them.

Face it people, creating new words that put a positive spin on things is a dead art. It's been tried before, and it has failed. Does anybody use the word "radical" anymore? Of course not, the word is dumb! This is a generation that likes its vocabulary to be rough around the edges. Our words always have the literary quality of a rottweiler. Mean, aggressive, and constantly on the offensive. Cute words are a no go.

So, when we're finished eating a good tasty meal, the inclination is not to say, "Mmm, that was so delish." Hell no! We say, "Damn, that was some good shit!" Using a phrase like that says to the cook, "I compliment you on your skills and appreciate the meal, but watch who you're screwing with." The world seems to understand this, why Rachael Ray continues with a more cuddly form of articulation is beyond me. But it's gonna get her killed.

Another thing, why am I lead to care about this woman? All the other Food Network chef celebrity types seem to be all about handing you some decent recipes and occasionally dropping some know-how on how it's supposed to work. It's a relationship I for one, am very comfortable with. Rachael on the other hand, insists on continually dropping trivial tidbits on her upbringing and fond moments of her food-eating days. I can handle it when it happens once in a while, but day after day of pointless minutiae gets to be a bit much. Aww, are you gonna enlighten me into how you and your sister used to wrap presents? That's cute. Now, how about you tell me why you're throwing tarragon on the fucking pork instead?

This also has the added effect of making her look like less of a chef. Ever notice how a lot of her recipes are the way they are because "That's how mom used to do it?" Which basically says that there is the potential she will one day take her fennel chicken, and rub in under her pits before sprinkling angel dust on it. And she'll do it all, because mom used to do it!"

Look Rachael, you're not a bad person. Far as I can tell, you're actually pretty cool. And you must know something about cooking food, because people eat your shit and seem to like it. But your positively perky and peppy presence on my television means I must loathe you. But I tell you what; if you ever do decide to have a real bad day and tear your film crew a new one, I'll make sure to buy you a drink.

Christmas

It's Christmas! That joyful time of year where love and family prevails over all. People far and wide can put down their prejudices and truly appreciate their fellow man, if just for one day. Everyone looks forward to the future with wider eyes and a bigger heart.

It's such a beautiful thing.

Coincidentally enough, it's also a fine time for gifts, and what better gift could one give but the Bastard Groove Orchestra's debut album "Fuzzy Jank?" With those great melodies, and danceable rhythms, it can make the perfect gift for someone you know, or even for yourself!

And as luck would have it, Fuzzy Jank is now available on all the major online stores! Horray!

Alright, the bullshit pitching aside, it did surprise me greatly to see that the last holdout music store, Rhapsody, finally put the BGO online. Especially when I consider that every other store had the album online weeks ago. Even iTunes, the number one online music store on the planet, got their shit together a lot quicker than Rhapsody did, so what gives?

Naturally, I assumed they were targeting me. What with the revolutionary nature of my music, and my tendencies towards revolution, I felt that the father company of Rhapsody, Real Networks, was out to slow my path towards world domination. Also, I've been heard saying a few mean things about Real's buddies over at Sandisk, and their line of underwhelming Mp3 players. It's possible some retribution was occurring.

Of course, there's the distinct possibility, however small, that this was the problem.

Yep, it appears that Rhapsody may be having some problems. From what I can tell, Napster isn't doing super great either. Alas, I fear that we may be looking at the end of days for subscription music. Tragic people tragic. Excuse me whilst I hold back my tears.

SNIFF SNIFF. So sad.

If you hadn't noticed by now, I am less then surprised by this news. From the day I heard about the inception of this type of business, I figured it wouldn't be long before it would be history. They just have a structure that goes against human nature. People may have different preferences and religions and stuff, but one thing holds true: people like to own stuff.

Having something that can be owned is always more preferable than borrowing it. If money wasn't a factor, wouldn't it be nicer to own a home instead of renting an apartment?

The same logic holds true with music. When a person wants to hear a particular song, they want to know it's right there, waiting for them. And while it may be easy to access a subscription service, and it may cost so little for all the music in the world (their words, not mine,) it's still borrowed goods. Forget that monthly payment, or have the need to spend your cash on things like food and heat, and all that musical goodness goes bye bye. If you spend money on something, you want to know it'll always be there. That's basic human nature.

“But Boogie,” you may cry, “What about the ability to listen to all sorts of new music any time you want to?” We had something like that back in my days. They called it radio. And it still exists in a haphazard kind of way. But now, instead of dealing with communications conglomerates and getting ads crammed up your ass every twelve minutes, you've got services that stream music over your computer. Couple that with blogs, and social networks, it's entirely possible to learn about any new music without the monthly fees.

So, you may be asking yourself, “Well, if he feels this way about subscription services, why did he sell out and slap his album on them?"

Easy.....because I want fans.

People listening to the BGO, by whatever means, is a good thing to me. And while, I think that the whole idea of music subscription is laughable, there are tons of people who seem pretty cool with it. So, if the people who dig on renting tunes also dig on the BGO, well then I'm gonna try and make it convenient for them to have at it.

So Merry Christmas to all, May your day be merry, and your hearts be filled with peace.

Oh yeah, and go buy the album.

Welcome To My Job

Jobs, they're everywhere. Most folks got 'em, everybody wants 'em. In this day and age, it's damn near impossible to survive without possessing at least one. Gone are the days where an aspiring young soul could buy a tent, some bullets, and a good knife, and make their way in the wild yonder. Wit and determination can all be brought down in flames, just for lack of the green stuff. You wanna make it? Then get a job. So we do.

Some days, it probably feels like our jobs define us more than they should. Think about when you meet a person for the first time. You usually hear something along the lines of, “Hi, my name is person and I'm an occupation for company.” And people, naturally, tend to summarize you with that factor in mind. You can't just be funny, nice, or have a good sense of humor, without having the fact that you bag groceries be taken into account.

But do our jobs really define us? I mean, what if we hate our jobs? Does that mean that we're self loathing, miserable people? How about if we work at a company with whose politics you don't agree with? Does that make us hypocrites? Probably not. It just means we do something unpleasant to make enough to get by. I think a job can only define us if we let it.

But, to confirm my theory, I looked up the definition of the word “job” on the dictionary. It read as follows:

a piece of work, esp. a specific task done as part of the routine of one's occupation

anything a person is expected or obliged to do; duty; responsibility

No mention of the words “live, breathe, and die by your work.” A good thing too, since a good chunk of folks would probably kill themselves if they had to hold by that definition.

Still, there are those crazy people out there who get a kick out of being their work. The nutty few who love what they do so much, they allow it to define them. Gallagher once described his job as “looking at the world and picking out the funny stuff.” The man is truly his work.

I also take my work very seriously. I put every bit of energy and inspiration into my tasks, and try to be proud of my accomplishments. It could be safely said, that I am my job. And what job is that you may ask? Well, I'm fairly convinced it's to be here, talking to you.

I'm here to use my words and my music to entertain all you good people. And hopefully, I can even give you some stuff to think about. It's a crazy place we all live in and there are lots of questions that beg to be asked. And I'm just crazy enough to do the asking. No subject is safe from a guy like me. I'm that dangerous sort of person, who reads too much and spends too much time thinking about weird shit. Naturally, this can make for some random, far-reaching topics, great amounts of verbal nonsense, and a lot of incessant whining. But, at the very least, it shouldn't be boring.

So, welcome to The Boogie Man Speaks, my place of business. I hope your experience here will be a good one.