Curses!

As you astute people may have already figured out, I tend to drop a fair bit of profanity. What can I say? I'm a curser. I love to curse, and make no apologies for it. Curse words are the salt on my fucking steak. Added refinement to an already quality lingual sense.

Occasionally, I find myself in a situation where I have to mind my manners. As soon as I'm out of said situation, I tend to cuss and swear twice as much. Y'know, to catch up. And if I need to keep the language in check for a few hours at a time, I've been heard singing a certain little ditty to boost the ol' spirits. The four letter word is my Shakespeare.

Being the bohemian that I am, I favor an open-minded approach to how the king's profanity gets used. Swearing is, after all, a tool that helps us function in society. Where would our lives be now without the ability to use a well placed "Fuck you," or "Kiss my ass?" People need their tools, and naturally implement them differently.

Still, criteria must be maintained. The hardware can still be very much misused. I mean, you couldn't use a dildo for a soldering iron, so naturally you can't misuse use your cussing.

The biggest crime I notice is how people tend to stress the fact that they're swearing. They keep putting all that added volume and emphasis on those mighty F-Bombs. The problem with this is it takes away from the rest of the sentence. If you were in the process of making a sharp, well thought out point, then you screwed the pooch buddy! All everyone's gonna remember is the big, overstated swear word that they've probably heard a million times before from people much more interesting than you.

Another thing, emphasizing your profanity basically tells the world, "Hey, look what I know!" You're bragging. And your bragging about something that everybody already knew about. Nobody is a stranger to cuss words anymore. We're aware they're about in the world. So, all your doing is pointing out the Mona Lisa to people. And that's no good.

The next big profanity faux pas is people mixing up their four-lettered goodness. using curse words that don't fit the situation you're referring to. Doing so makes you sound more like an idiot than you could know. Case in point, the other day I heard someone call a person an "Assdick." What does that even mean? I'm all for literary license, but c'mon, that doesn't even make sense. Rehearse your shit, and don't rely on a quantity of curse words to save your ass.

The final big insult, is those precious individuals who sugarcoat the profanity. You all know at least one of them. In the private confines of their mental space they swear as good as any of us, but in a public setting, they go for looking innocent. They invent words that sound like a cuss, and have the same meaning as a cuss, but are in fact, not a cuss.

Examples include:

• Frick
• Biz-nitch
• Sheez
• Gosh Darn It
  
• And if you live in Utah......."Oh my heck."

Unforgivable! You know what you're trying to say. The people you're talking to know what you're trying to say. You're not fooling anyone. Why not do yourself a favor, and let loose with the real deal? I bet you'll feel a whole hell of a lot better. And the people who listen to you will realize that you're a person of quality, who accepts profanity as a natural part of our lingual history.

So good people, I encourage you to step out there, and swear away! Add a little color to your ideas, and express them to a waiting world. So stand up with a full heart and a strong voice and say:

Fuck an ass and go bitch to a dick!

Peace and love.