People I Hate: Rachael Ray

Name:
Rachael Domenica Ray

Born:
August 25, 1968
Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Profession:
Celebrity, Culinary arts

Reason I Hate Her:
Because nobody should be that happy.


I really don't care how nice she is, or how tasty her recipes are, because it's near impossible to get past the fact that the woman smiles too fucking much! For fuck's sake man, it's like watching the Joker's retarded cousin hopped up on antidepressants. I'm almost uncomfortable looking at it.

And it seems like the only reprieve we get from that freakish smile is when she sticks food in her mouth. Of course, then we have to deal with her getting all bug-eyed and spouting catch phrases like "Yum-o" or "Delish," which have their own special brand of pain to them.

Face it people, creating new words that put a positive spin on things is a dead art. It's been tried before, and it has failed. Does anybody use the word "radical" anymore? Of course not, the word is dumb! This is a generation that likes its vocabulary to be rough around the edges. Our words always have the literary quality of a rottweiler. Mean, aggressive, and constantly on the offensive. Cute words are a no go.

So, when we're finished eating a good tasty meal, the inclination is not to say, "Mmm, that was so delish." Hell no! We say, "Damn, that was some good shit!" Using a phrase like that says to the cook, "I compliment you on your skills and appreciate the meal, but watch who you're screwing with." The world seems to understand this, why Rachael Ray continues with a more cuddly form of articulation is beyond me. But it's gonna get her killed.

Another thing, why am I lead to care about this woman? All the other Food Network chef celebrity types seem to be all about handing you some decent recipes and occasionally dropping some know-how on how it's supposed to work. It's a relationship I for one, am very comfortable with. Rachael on the other hand, insists on continually dropping trivial tidbits on her upbringing and fond moments of her food-eating days. I can handle it when it happens once in a while, but day after day of pointless minutiae gets to be a bit much. Aww, are you gonna enlighten me into how you and your sister used to wrap presents? That's cute. Now, how about you tell me why you're throwing tarragon on the fucking pork instead?

This also has the added effect of making her look like less of a chef. Ever notice how a lot of her recipes are the way they are because "That's how mom used to do it?" Which basically says that there is the potential she will one day take her fennel chicken, and rub in under her pits before sprinkling angel dust on it. And she'll do it all, because mom used to do it!"

Look Rachael, you're not a bad person. Far as I can tell, you're actually pretty cool. And you must know something about cooking food, because people eat your shit and seem to like it. But your positively perky and peppy presence on my television means I must loathe you. But I tell you what; if you ever do decide to have a real bad day and tear your film crew a new one, I'll make sure to buy you a drink.