September 28, 2009

And I Quote

Today's post sounds a little deeper than usual, especially considering it's source is me. Rather than the usual barrel of cynicism and fuckupedness I typically generate, this one could almost sit real nice on a coffee mug.

To answer your question, No I'm not getting soft. I'm still bitchy as can be, and don't see a future where it'll cease. As to why I sound so damned philosophical today, well there's a reasonable explanation: I was in the middle of an argument.

Well, probably not an argument, more of a debate really. Some discussions on morality and the like. And while I'm probably not the best example of clean-spirited living, I do quietly support it. And when people start getting all speak-happy about what they consider to be right, and passing unnecessary judgment upon those who lead a different, but decent life, I tend to start talking. And during one of these "discussions," I let some words slip that I thought sounded pretty darn sharp. So, I leave them with you, the world, to care for. And my apologies for writing stuff with actual meaning, it'll never happen again.

"It's only a sin if you don't learn from it."

-Boogie Man Montoya-

September 21, 2009

And I Quote

"I spend a great deal of my life running on the assumption that God has a sense of humor. Here's hoping I'm right."

-Boogie Man Montoya-

September 14, 2009

Kanye West Did What?

I'm pretty sure everyone in the world and their conservative aunts knows about this...

I'm at a complete and total loss for words here people. I mean, there are things in this universe which are smug, and things which are pure stupid. Occasionally, there are those things that happen to be equal parts of both. But this? This is on a whole new level of it's own. Some parallel plane of batshit crazy that isn't even visible in this spectrum.

I can't really yell about it, because I'm not 100% sure that West even realizes his true caliber of douche. I seriously thing that somewhere in that cloudy, neon-colored brain of his, that he really thinks he's inspiring us little-folk into awe. In the face of that sort of insanity, I just can't be angry. I can really only stare dumbly, and feel troubled about. This is the sort of thing that one muses over with a stiff tumbler of rum, wondering what the hell happened to the world. Because people like this have been given license to be this strange. There's a group of people out there who made this guy into enough of a hero that he can actually get away with this.

I'm lacking in venom over this little incident, but I did walk away with one revelation:

Beyonce disgusts the living hell out of me, and I'm no fan of Taylor Swift either. And yet, all it takes for me to sympathize with both of them apparently, is Kanye West.

September 4, 2009

A Moment Of Philosophy

Wanting to attain the "perfect week," and get off at least one post every single day here on TBMS, I was searching for some topic to fill this bad boy out. I've got a few more extensive bits of nonsense on the line, but it's Friday for fuck's sake. I'm not capable of a full load of dribble pre-weekend.

So, I needed something brief to pull of this personal best. But what? So many things to discuss. So many new items to bitch about. And I had no clue with where to start. So I pondered this greatly, and thank god for the potential of anaphylaxis to inspire this sharp bit of philosophy:

"There is nothing like the potential for painful death by explosive swelling to make you appreciate how good Cheetos can be."

September 3, 2009

Shirts, Shorts, And Social Standing

It's embarrassing enough to go wandering about town in a tight T-shirt that you haven't worn in four years. People more often than not assume that you're in need of clean laundry. Things get harder however, when you couple that T-shirt with a too-snug pair of slacker-approved shorts. However, if you're quick and walk with a confident strut, people might just figure you're having an off day, cleaning out the closet, or if you're lucky, you can get a bit more mileage out of the whole laundry thing.

However, when you've commited all of the above offenses, and also have orange Cheetos stains on the legs of those shorts, you can pretty much pack it in Bubba. You are fucked, completely and totally. And for the duration of your day, it will not matter how intelligent you are, or how well you carry yourself, you are dead weight as far as the world is concerned.

My advice? Roll with it. Embrace being low on the totem pole. Humility builds character, I think I read that somewhere. Shoot, you might even get to roll the pity card. Many happy marriages have been started that way. Might turn out to be the best day of your life.

September 2, 2009

Crime And Punishing For Text Infractions: Utah Style

In the what must be the most miraculous of news items, my twisted state actually passed a law I agree with.

In March of this year, (yeah, it's pretty obvious that I need to expand where I get my news from,) former Governor Jon Huntsman passed a law that banned sending text messages while driving. As it stands now, getting caught texting while behind the wheel will be considered a Class C misdemeanor. Do it again, or even worse, hurt someone while doing it, and it goes up to Class B with no questions asked. If you actually kill someone because you were getting your text on, it is considered automobile homicide, which is anywhere from a second to third degree felony. Don't bother requesting vehicular manslaughter, you won't get it.

Utah is notorious for throwing around bills that go completely over the top, and tend to be ridiculously excessive. And usually, I'm the guy standing on the sidelines screaming, "Come the fuck on!!" But on this I must admit, that tendency towards excess is actually a useful asset in this case.

I am a texter. I text openly, and often. In some ways, I feel it has further handicapped me in my antisocial ways, but I don't care. Sometimes, all I need to say is one sentence (though you'd never figure that out from reading this junk.) But I also realize there is a time to do it, and a time to put it away. Texting while talking to someone is flat out rude, doing it while people are asking you questions is incredibly unprofessional, and doing it while driving is ridiculously stupid. And I for one refuse to die on my half exhausted drives home because some dipshit couldn't wait 10 extra minutes to send out their "OMG's!" and "LOL's!" There isn't a damn urgent thing in this world you need to text. If its' an emergency, then you probably should just bite the bullet and make an actual fucking phone call. There was a time when cell phones didn't have extensive keyboards and you still managed to contact people, an emergency situation might be a good time to be old fashioned y'know? And if for some strange reason you can't make a call, but you can text......well pull the fuck over then. We'll wait for you to get done.

Bear in mind that this bill came about because people have already died. A couple of rocket scientists in fact (I shit you not.) All because someone couldn't wait to fire off that oh-so hilarious off color forward until they got home. Decent people who have no business suffering always pay the ultimate price when other people get careless. And while I have no idea how this will actually affect things in my twisted state, I'm optimistic that this may scare the pee out of a few texters out there.

At the very least, it'll keep me from doing it. Despite knowing better, I'll occasionally fire off a text at the stop light. I reckon it's high time for me to take my own advice.

September 1, 2009

Baby Pole Dancer

Courtesy of Gizmodo

What. The. Fuck?

And I Quote

"I have a heart, I swear to God I do. And as soon as I can find the bastard, I'll happily show it to you."

-Boogie Man Montoya-