May 25, 2009

The Backlash Of Clay Aiken

After his absolutely absurd comments on Friday regarding American Idol contestant Adam Lambert, Clay has issued a public apology. Well, sort of anyways. I mean, he did use the word "apologize" in his public statement, but I wouldn't necessarily his statement a plea for forgiveness. More than anything, he made it a shot at the bloggers of the world (like me! egads!) for getting our figurative panties in a bunch.

Since his blog is still "members only," I can't relay the entire post, but here is a link to a feed with more info. And, for those who need more snark with their news, I'll be doing something a little different today. I will relay Aiken's quotes, translate them into comprehensible sense, and then respond.

QUOTE: "I obviously meant it as a colorful statement to imply that I did not enjoy what I heard.

TRANSLATION: Now that everyone's mad at me, I suddenly realized I was only kidding.

RESPONSE: A colorful statement would be to make fun of the guy's hair or how he dresses, this seems to feel a bit below the belt. I've had some jokes made at my expense before, and consider myself a pretty good sport. But I think that despite my good sense of humor, if someone had told me that my body of work "made their ears bleed," I might be prone to taking it personally.

QUOTE: "Any performer hopes that their music will appeal to all people, but no singer realistically expects it to."

TRANSLATION: Why doesn't anyone love me?

RESPONSE: This isn't about the fanbase and what demographics fit into it. This is about you, a public figure, saying something about another public figure. Regardless of your personal tastes or preferences, you are a celebrity, and as a result have a bigger bullseye on your head. Being charitable and neutral was what you should've done. You didn't, so suck it up.

Here's where it gets fun.....

QUOTE: "My opinion is just that, only my opinion, but for as much as some of the bloggers seem to dislike me and care so little about my thoughts, they sure can waste a lot of their space on what I say,"

TRANSLATION: It makes me mad when people talk about me when I'm stupid

RESPONSE: Oh Clay, me and my blogging kin don't dislike you. I'm pretty certain that most of us aren't sitting in dark rooms rubbing our hands fiendishly and just waiting for the day you fuck up. Personally I had completely forgotten you existed. So I can safely say that we're not enacting some longstanding vendetta or anything like that.

For the most part, bloggers are the type who tend to bring up subjects that are interesting, and guess what? You're interesting right now. And you are interesting because.......and this is key did SOMETHING STUPID. Make sure you write that down next time you make a public statement. I don't really care about your talent, or what you're doing where, but when stupidity arises, I'm gonna pounce on it. I do it with a lot of you celebrity types, and to the best of my knowledge, I don't have Shia Lebeouf hunting me down (or if he is, he really sucks at it.)

After that, it's basically an apology to Lambert, who he says is the only person who deserves an apology, which I agree with. And I imagine this will be the last we hear of Aiken for a while. He'll slip into the underground, continuing to keep those 15 minutes going, and overcharging fans for the priviledge of reading his dribble. The world will continue to spin and we, the blogging masses, will find some new subject to torment for their childish ways.

I hear Nick Cannon's been kind of dumb lately.

May 22, 2009

Clay Aiken Talks Smack About Adam Lambert

As you can imagine, I don't watch American Idol. I pretty much loathe and despise everything about the program, and all the vanity and karaoke-style warbling it stands for. It's tedious television, where even with different contestants, the drama and bullshit stays exactly the same.

So, when this year's Idol came and went, I proudly was able to watch it go by without watching a single episode, a personal best for me. More so because I had constant pressure from family and acquaintances who felt I should be watching it this time around. "You really need to see this Adam kid," they would say, "He's very good." Then they'd talk about his dark way, his skill at changing songs to fit his style, and so forth. And of course, there'd be the insistence that I see next week's episode, because this kid was supposed to be "right up my alley." These poor diluted souls not realizing that, no matter how talented or interesting Lambert may be, his presence on American Idol made him just as much of a shortcut-taking hack as the rest of them. So, I ignored the advice and reconsidered who I made acquaintances with, and continued to live my life far away from that garbage.

But today, I find myself in the interesting situation of feeling like I must defend this guy I've worked so hard to avoid.

And it's not because he lost or anything, (Yeah, I know that much. Apparently American Idol is thickly ingrained in my news feeds between the economy, Guantanamo bay, and swine flu. The bastards or everywhere!) although that does rather suck. From what I gather, it seems like this guy was doing something different and at least trying to have a personality, and instead they still picked the guy who is basically another clone of other pop nonsense. But that's neither here nor there, best I can tell American Idols have a very limited shelf life anyways.

No, I feel I must say something on behalf of Lambert, because Clay Aiken is a douche.

Apparently, the former Care Bear-looking Idol had a few harsh words to say about Lambert on his blog, which apparently is membership only, and requires a fee of $29.95 a month to participate in. When asked by a fan about his opinion of the finale, Aiken replied:

"I couldn't be happier about the way "AI" ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season... This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing ‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening!"

Aiken also makes a point of mentioning that he never actually heard the other guy sing. So for all the guy knows (and for all I know as well,) This Kris person may sing like an injured kitten getting peed on. But that's not important, since he can make bold claims to a paying fanbase based on watching 30 seconds of programming.


I can't believe that people actually pay two dollars and fifty cents a month so they can listen to this guy be so dumb. If you don't want to watch the fucking program Aiken, fine. It's your prerogative. But at least be honest about it with people who apparently adore you enough to spend money on your monkey ass. You could have played it honest, and said "Y'know, I really don't watch the program enough to know who's who, but I wish the winner all the best in his success." That would be perfectly understandable. Instead he makes a grandiose statement based on a few minutes of observation, and ends up sounding like a complete ass.

The article I linked to also mentions that his blog went on for great length, discussing contestants and the show. Without being privvy to the exact content of the post, I can't get into specifics, but it seems to me that if you can talk about something for great length, then you've probably been watching it a hell of a lot more than you say you have. Did widdle Clay think it would be cool to act like he doesn't watch the program that made him a success, or that he continually begs to be a part of? Most likely.

And of course, there was this nugget: "In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David! I think many voters got sick of being ‘told who to vote for.’ I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant... I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent."

Ummm're not David, I'M FUCKING DAVID!!!!! Most of the artists I know are David, all of the guys who are on Myspace and not getting ad revenue (unlike yourself I'm sure) are David. You're Goliath douchebag. So quit mouthing off like some poor starving artist, you got your moment in the sun to be a generic pop superstar. And you were on freaking Broadway for crying out loud, grow a pair already. As far as I know, you're not living in some miserable little shack trying to make ends meet so you can have food for the day. So you really don't have that much to bitch about. Go hit up the Disney Channel for guest spots, maybe promote a skin cream or some shit like that. I'm sure you'll get by.

As for me, I will continue to not watch the program. It's legacy of horribleness will surely continue. Adam Lambert, I'm sure I'll have to deal with soon enough. People like him don't get this kind of press without eventually ending up as noise I'll have to hear. I can only hope for the sake of all mankind, that he continues to be different, and doesn't flop into that generic slipstream we've all become so accustomed to. Originality in music, wouldn't that be nice?

As for Aiken, well he can go fornicate himself on an electric drill. At the very least, stop charging people for the privilege of reading how dense you can be man. For any of you disillusioned readers of Clay, you're more than welcome to join the reading ranks of TBMS. My shit's free.

UPDATE: I'm actually pretty stunned with how much material I was able to generate from such a trivial post. The idea was to make something brief about this ludicrousness with a few wacky zingers thrown in, and it really blew up into something intense. This'll teach me to write material when running on very little sleep.

May 19, 2009

Utah's Latest Celebrity

Some may still be reeling from the bashing I gave the state of Utah recently. It might be felt that me talking about Utah as only being popular for over-the-top polygamists, heady snowfall, and a pioneering spirit long since dead, might be construed as a little cruel.

If you are one of these people, then let me say this......Deal with it!

There's a lot to celebrate about Utah, a great many things that make me smile when I call this place home. And if it was truly a full mass place of numbskullery 24/7, I would've loaded up on pharmaceuticals and moved to Canada a long time ago. But, the cool and interesting things about this place are still very much in the counterculture, while the crazies of the bunch are still the ones being passed around the mainstream.

Need proof? Consider this newsworthy event. Utah's name is now in the news again, national news I might add. And not because of scientific breakthrough or political assignment either, this time, it's for an 11 year old boy who had nothing better to do with his life than break the world record for how many snails he could place on his face.

Snails! On his face! This is the kind of shit that continues to make us a laughing stock people!

May 18, 2009

Governer Jon Huntsman Jr. Appointed To Ambassador To China. Oh Noes.

So, our fair state has garnered itself a little media attention as of late, seeing as the president just nominated Utah Governner Jon Huntsman Jr. to serve as ambassador to China. It's quite the mindfuck, I must admit, since the freaky state I call home is rarely in the news. And when it is, it usually involves butt-faced polygamists who are intent on marrying minors and ignoring taxes. We're typically not a press-worthy bunch in this state, and for so many good reasons which I'll avoid listing in this post. And yet, here we are. The president has made an official appointment of a conservative Mormon individual to maintain good diplomatic relations with China.

And you know what? I'm gonna miss the guy.

It's strange to say, being someone of dark skin and liberal constitution, but the guy wasn't too bad. Typically the name Huntsman fills us minority types living here in Utah with a sense of dread, but Jon was different.

Firstly, the dude dropped out of high school to play rock music. Granted, he eventually went back, and went to the U of U and did the whole miserable fraternity bit, but still, that act of rebellion kind of endears me to the fella.

The second thing I'll miss about ol' Huntsman is that he was actually trying to make Utah look like less of a freak show.

Now you proud Utahans who are staring aghast at the screen that one of your residents would dare say such a thing, just go ahead and close your mouths right now. I fully acknowledge that your lifestyle may have it's own rewards, and it may make you a very happy decent individual, but take this moment to compare yourself to the rest of this country. You'll find it hard to argue that this state looks like some kind of backwater Ozarkian butt fuckery.

You know it's true. Anytime anyone mentions Utah in a movie, it's always followed with a joke, when you go out of state and mention you live in Utah, someone always says "I'm sorry," (it's happened to me at least five times,) and other than an overrated film festival and a relatively decent basketball team, we've really got nothing that speaks to the rest of America. What is Utah's biggest talking point? Apparently it's that the predominant culture once rode wagons across the plains. And considering how little press the pilgrims get anymore, that's really not anything to write home about. You may celebrate your religion, but the rest of the country really doesn't get it. And nobody's been all that interested to do so since way back when your ancestral types got booted from Missouri. Love your state all you want, and take pride in your religion people, I've got nothing against any of it. But do acknowledge that when everyone else things Utah, they think of old time prairie country where the beer's watered down and a half naked gold guy blows a horn on top of buildings. (P.S. If there are any Utahans who were actually offended by this notion....why are you reading this blog anyways? God's gonna be pissed when he finds out.)

Getting back on topic, Huntsman was making strong efforts to kind of normalize our freakish state. The lifting of the Zion curtain, letting bars actually be bars instead of those weird as shit private clubs? Taking positive stances on global warming and gay rights? These are good things people. It certainly helps take the nasty taste out of our mouths of Utah being the state that fucked the California homosexual population over. So, I applaud the man, for trying to take us into a necessary future, and am saddened by the fact that he's leaving.

Saddened mostly because I know whoever's coming in next will probably try to get back to the old ways of doing things. Utah fears change more than any place I can imagine. A big reason this place is still considered to be full of overly chirpy pioneers is because the brunt of folks like it that way. They think it makes them look kind of kitchy or something, and they fight long and hard to protect that image. Meaning that those of us who actually like the normal things will continue to be pushed around by the Teletubby-type beings who continue to be in charge.

I was starting to look forward to this new Utah. I admit, I kind of like the place. There are a lot of fantastic people and traditions here. And I'll even admit that the Mormon population in general are a pretty decent bunch of folks. It's hard to hate those guys. But still, I do long to see things equalize a bit. I can deal with being with the group of outcasts, but riding with the freakshow group is a little harder to bear.

May 11, 2009

Star Trek: 2 and 1

Rather than go the usual route of writing a lengthy review of my experiences while watching the new Star Trek movie, I'm opting to simplify things here. Let's face it, there are plenty of places to get a full synopsis on the movie. And with a little bit of careful Googling, you can probably find one that matches your opinions to a T. So, out of awareness that there are so many reviews out there, and part laziness, I'm going to avoid the lengthy.

What I will do today is simply point out two things that I found quite enjoyable about the new Star Trek film, and one thing that I wasn't so much a fan of. Be warned, THESE THINGS MAY BE A BIT SPOILERISH. So, if you haven't seen it and want to be completely surprised, quit reading this post. In fact, quit reading altogether, go buy yourself a movie ticket, and go watch the damn thing already.

Okay, so here goes:


.Mixing the Beastie Boys and Star Trek is fucking righteous!

.Wynona Rider didn't talk much and died quickly, always a plus.


.They worked a little too hard trying to squeeze in all those memorable quotes into the movie.

That is all.

May 8, 2009

Ohio Christian School Threatens Student For Dancing

Here's one for the funny pages.

In Ohio, there is a 17-year old boy named Tyler Frost. Now Tyler goes to a fundamentalist baptist private school, where he is expected to graduate later this year. Tyler also has a girlfriend, who attends the local public school.

Doth wackiness ensue? It sure as hell does. You see, the school that Tyler's girlfriend is attending is about to have the senior prom. And of course Tyler's girlfriend wouldn't dream of going to the prom without her main squeeze. And of course, Tyler's no fool, and accepted the invite.

Normally not a big deal, but for whatever reason, Tyler's school is threatening to suspend Tyler if he attends the prom. And not just slap on the hand suspend either, we're talking incompletes on any unfinished work, and being forbidden to walk with his class at graduation.

So, an uber-conservative school with strict rules against dancing, hand-holding, kissing, and rock tunes, is imposing restrictions on a student for what they do with their lives outside of the school day. Everyone out there can now crank up Footloose and slap their heads in frustration.

I think there is very little that needs to be said about the stupidity factor involved in this but, I'm gonna say it anyways: this is dumb. Firstly, the restrictions about music and physical contact pertain only within the school. Basically you can't grope or shake your money maker between the hours of 7 to 4. Now, I'm almost positive that prom is held at night, which is well beyond the schooling hours listed. So, the school really has zero authority to impose any kind of restriction on what one does with their free time. Shit, if you want to play by these rules, then a kid should be suspended every time they see a beer commercial or masturbate on their off time, which last I checked, happens quite substantially to the modern adolescent.

Secondly, and this is the best part, Tyler already got a signed permission slip from the principal. Yep, Tyler played it just like a good little boy should, and went through the proper channels getting written approval for attending this prom. Principal even acknowledges this, although he claimed "there will be consequences." And it was only after this that the administration met with the local church hags and decided to throw the full force of their dumb ass might at poor Tyler. Now it seems to me, that if I remember my business law coursework, that a signed document constitutes a contract, and contracts are expected to be honored under law. And since the party in question has not violated any of the rules or regulations governing his school institution, and followed proper procedure to attend an event that is not associated with said institution, that the law is probably on Tyler's side here.

In fact, I don't even know how you can suspend a kid for what he does off school grounds. This is just bad thinking here. The principal might as well utter a racial slur in public and lewdly slap a woman on the ass. The pickle he'd be in would be about the same.

So, here's hoping that the administration of this school gets some heat from all this press and realizes that they're being a bit prickish. Proms may have a reputation for being an event that leads to sex and drinking, but Tyler is competent enough to make these choices for himself. And if he does fall from grace by dancing and smooching, well that is his doing and nobody else's. Frankly, if he didn't do it at prom, well then he's likely to do it somewhere else anyways. So, quit trying to make an example out of this poor kid just because he's trying to enjoy the experiences that every other kid his age gets to have. Let him have his moment, he has the rest of his life to be righteous and miserable.