The Friend Of My Enemy Is........

Surprising to many I'm sure, it's easy for me to make enemies. Oh sure, you can slap your faces in awe and fall into denial at the notion of this, but it doesn't change the truth. I have a knack for pissing people off. And I make few apologies for it. Either some folks just don't get me, or there's something wrong enough with their lifestyle that drives me to the brink of madness and hostility. Racists, sexists, egotistical selfish jerks, it's hard not to put up the war flags around these sort of people. As such, I have plenty of enemies.

I even have enemies that don't know I exist. Take MTV for instance.

I am one of those musical types, and as such I am required to consider MTV my enemy. And while I'm sure there are multitudes of reasons for artists to hate MTV, such as lack of actual music on Music Television, or how the Real World is in fact, not. It's a long list, and you've got stuff to do so I'll spare the minutiae and simply summarize. MTV is an evil and pathetic institution, and one that I will loathe entirely into the next lifetime.

But that doesn't mean I don't watch the channel.

Oh yeah, I pop in from time to time. Early morning if I'm awake, the only time they actually play music. I'll take in the sights and sounds of whatever big name artists are being promoted then try to write material that's exactly the opposite. None of those reality programs or "What celebrities do when they're not being paid too much" mockumentaries. That stuff will eat your soul as it pretends to entertain you. And MTV isn't entertainment for me. It's not something I watch with my boots off and seated on the couch. Nosiree. It's something I watch in the studio, when I'm surrounded by gear and equipment. I consider it "surveillance." The act of observing one's enemy to learn their methods and discover weak spots. It's tactics, my good people, and I strive to stay one step ahead of the pack.

I was employing a little surveillance the other day while trying to argue with my taxes. Switched on over to MTV so I could hate something other than the government. And there's nothing like generic bands in music videos trying to make me take them seriously to instill that "there are worse creatures than the government" brand of hate in me.

A couple hours go by, and I'm thick in the middle of computations and form hunting, when the music videos cease. Time's up good people, we're now resuming our regularly scheduled program of sugar-coated reality for the dumb. My first instinct is to pounce on the remote and rapidly changing the channel to something less irritating.

However, I can't do that. The remote is hidden somewhere past my vision, and I really don't want to get up to search for it, for fear of losing my tax rhythm. So I sigh, ready for the barrage of stupidity that awaits, swearing under my breath that as soon as I've processed these deductions, that remote will be found.

And what programming doth await me? Well, Rob & Big of course. I'm cringing inside. I hate programs with skateboarders, because they always act like pricks just to annoy innocent people. And I hate music television programs featuring African Americans, because they always paint them out like the stereotypical "Act tough, wear lots of fancy jewelery, and speak incomprehensibly," sorts that most of the culture isn't. So here I'm shafted with a program that mixes the two. My guts are wrenching themselves into a bow-tie and I can't stop it.

30 minutes later the program ends........and I'll be damned if I didn't enjoy it.

Granted, the characters could be over the top, and the antics were a bit cliche, but shit man, it was still pretty entertaining. Very entertaining actually. So much so, that I wouldn't have minded seeing it again. And what luck! There were back to back episodes of Rob & Big that day. For joy!

So, I got a crash course in the lives of Rob Derdyk and Christopher "Big Black" Boykin. And by the end of it, I was a fan. Two men who have no business knowing each other, being best buddies and doing stupid shit together, wow. It was far more impressive than I ever could've imagined.

Dear god, now I'm in trouble. My enemy actually has something that could weaken my resolve. My fury for that station was absolute, unquestionable. I could've taken down any army that they would've thrown at me, but I caved for a professional skateboarder and a former chef? Sneaky bastards. While I was observing their weaknesses, they were watching mine. And now I'm screwed. I'll have to publicly acknowledge that MTV "isn't that bad." Oh sure, they're evil. No question about that. But they have a few bright spots that must be taken into consideration. I got sucked into the flytrap now. Not sure I can escape this one intact.

However, the heavens smiled upon me that day. Turns out the back-to-back marathon was to publicize the series finale. Yup, ol' Rob and Big were parting ways and the program would be no more. And I was a bit bummed, because I did enjoy the program, and I am happy for Mr. Boykin and his new family. But really, there was only one thing I was thinking at that point...

HA! You bastards don't have me yet! Cringe in terror MTV, the war is back on baby!