People I Hate: Jessica Simpson

Name:
Jessica Ann Simpson

Born:
July 10, 1980 Abilene, Texas

Profession:
Singer/Performer, Actress, Marketing

Reason I Hate Her:
She's marketing stupidity, and succeeding


I'm the first to admit that reasons for hating Jessica Simpson are abound in copious amounts. The woman puts out so much infuriating energy, that she could probably sell it as a perfume. This particularly holds true for people like me, who tend to crave a little more reality and sincerity with their time. Still, most of it is things I can't get too hostile about. They are just simply elements about her that conflict with my opinion, and as such, cannot be torn asunder.
However, there is one element in this debacle that should be challenged:

She is deriving financial success from being a complete and total dumbass.

I'm sure we all remember "Chicken By The Sea." Where our heroine, completely dumbfounded by the labels that advertisers use to expand a company's reach, is confused as to whether or not tuna is, in fact, chicken or fish. When it first reared it's ugly head on my television, I was in a rage. All that success and good fortune, and the basic survival sense one needed to get by in the world was nonexistent. If a person didn't know what section in the supermarket to buy canned tuna from, they surely wouldn't be able to defend themselves when the wolves come.

And being a trifle ego-maniacal, it tends to irk me when people who I couldn't depend on in a life-or-death situation are sitting better than me. I know, with all degrees of certainty, that if I had to kill a deer barehanded just to live, I could. But in this current environment, such instincts are meaningless compared to sex-appeal and pop credentials...neither of which I possess. So, it got me angry.

But, I've had time to sit with that incident, and realize that mistakes can be made. Her youth may have been different. I was working in a grocery store when I was seven years old, routinely stocking things like canned tuna and chicken. I've got a bit more experience in the field when it comes to such matters. Besides, mistakes do happen. Everyone has a lapse of intelligence and does something completely foolish. Hers was just captured on camera, that's all.

So, I was ready to let bygones be bygones. Let her moment of foolishness slide into obscurity, and not beat a dead horse, knowing full well that she would do the same.

Of course, I was wrong. She didn't just beat the dead horse, she disemboweled it and wore the corpse as a headpiece.

I wasn't deluded into thinking she'd decide to MENSA or take a few online courses, of course. But, I assumed she would be out there trying to vindicate herself in light of this embarrassing situation. She, in fact, did just the opposite. Now every time she stands in front of a camera, she immediately plays the whole rap of, "I'm ditzy! Tee hee hee." Misunderstanding more labels, being unable to open doors, all with that adorable little "I don't get it" look about her.

Ms. Simpson, take note of this: lack of intelligence is not endearing, it's pathetic. Children who make silly mistakes like this may make for funny side notes in the stories of their parents, but a lesson is expected to be learned. That child is supposed to improve and grow from that point on. Besides, children can be forgiven, mistakes come with the territory. Lack of experience, they don't have it, and are trying to get it. This story changes significantly when an adult person acts like a damn fool. There is no severance for it. You've had the time to be acquainted with things, and somehow avoided all of it. Those of us who have invested that necessary time tend to feel a bit of contempt at how content you are at being so inept.

And a person of your age, with your amount of resources , should be able to rectify this. You've got no excuses Jessica. There are college students living off of ramen and old cheese that could do twelve times more with a fraction of your money. There's no reason you can't pick up a book or two. Do a little investigative research into how the world works. It's a good thing to do, and above all, necessary. For without the producers, promoters, sponsorships, and so forth, you are merely one of us. And we expect more out of that skull of yours. If you are unwilling to use it, expect to stick potatoes in hot oil and put other people's food into bags for the rest of your days.

So, get out there and do something. Read a newspaper, take a class, hell walk into a grocery store and look around for christ's sake. It's good for you, and good for us who will no longer have to see quotes from you that read "I'm having a blast in Iraq!" The irony of which, I'm sure, is very very lost on you.

Ship out, shape up, or get eaten alive. The choice is up to you.