Dear Gibson Guitar Corp: WTF?

Well fellas, you had me. you had tickled my lust in a way only a musician can appreciate. Yes, you, mighty pedestal of six-stringed goodness, made me desire a new instrument.

New gear is a powerful addiction for us musical types. The near equivalent of nymphomaniacs and crack fiends. Except of course that the addiction costs more, is noisier, and has none of the cool side effects. Oh cruel be the fates that lead me to such carnal lechery! How the need for firm woods, nickel plated metals, and magnetized copper drives a man into sleeplessness and starvation!

You guys had me at my wit's end. I was circling around a hot little Epiphone G-400, decked in a sexy shade of blue, like some wild vulture. There was no question about it, she would be mine. I would possess her soon enough, and all my dark depraved fantasies would come true. You pretty much had my hard-earned dimes in your hand.

And then you had to go and be completely stupid didn't you?

You went and started shit with a video game company. Raised up this huge turd-fest with Activision and the Guitar Hero franchise over some fine print issues. Supposedly, they violated a clause on your patent that prevents any "technology from simulating a musical experience." Ye gods you say?

Have you stopped your legal battalions long enough to even think about how ridiculous that sounds? That maybe you might be stretching the letter of the law a little too thin? I mean goddamn guys, this isn't "oh they made a game controller shaped like our shit and put our name on it without telling us." You might have had a case with that. But this, this is infantile blubber people! It's the equivalent of automakers suing Hot Wheels, or Apple suing Granny Smith.

I have backed you guys for a long time. Even before I wanted to purchase some of your wares, I stood behind you. We were in the same field after all, shared a squire/knight sort of relationship. I felt I needed to defend the purveyors of sonic sex appeal. And you have, at times, pushed me to the limits of my willingness to defend you.

I stood by you during the lawsuit with Paul Reed Smith. It seemed kind of silly to get vicious on another instrument manufacturer for making a guitar that looked kind of like yours, but was totally different too. What the hell right? Maybe you know something I don't know. Besides, I hated PRS at the time, and a little tactical law brought a smile to my face.

Then, I stood behind you through the invention of Maestro. Something I know you have to be feeling pretty dumb about. You, a guitar company that makes instruments that routinely cost as much as a used car, now making cheap Wal-Mart clearance aisle guitar caricatures? How absurd. But you did it, and shamelessly I might add. Hell, you even gave them the classy "Gibson" headstock. Something us Epiphone disciples can't even get without dropping at least a grand on the table. Dirty pool guys. But I stuck with you.

I even stuck with you when you invented the Robot Guitar. And that was one of the major cardinal sins for the musical types of the world. Basic training has always included learning how to tune your own damn instrument, and here you are making things that tell folks, "It's okay you don't have to learn how to do it. Just spend more money and we'll do it for you." Bad form methinks, but still, I stuck with you.

Not this time fellas.

Nope, you guys crossed the line. Made this huge fuss about how a form of entertainment owed you money because there were some similarities. C'mon, you guys know better. No musician in the world could make a Guitar Hero controller perform like a real instrument. Well, maybe something percussion-ish, but it would have limits. The thing is a game, a toy for amusement. The people who enjoy it seem to know it, and those of us who use the real deal seem to know it too. You're the only one deluded here.

So, I feel it's only right that I remove the G-400 from my "Must own" list. I had to stop and realize what I'd be waking up in bed next to, when that instrument lust was gone. And I didn't like what I saw. You guys may have been one of the first guitar companies out there. You're probably one of the best, certainly one of the more well known, but you don't get everything. You're not some all-encompassing musical totem that stands for everything that makes glorious noise. And I for one, refuse to regard you as so. So, I will follow my lusts elsewhere, and hope somehow, you can walk out of this handicapped litigation you've made for yourself without looking so damned foolish.

Now, let's see what other instruments might awaken my passions.