Evolution

As we look at the start of the new year, it's hard to forget that there are still a variety of subjects that really segregate the hell out of people. Stem cells and abortion are two of the obvious ones. Then of course, there's the whole gay marriage thing, and the whole "Mexicans are bad" thing. It even gets violent with minor things like"Apple Vs. Microsoft. So, it's pretty obvious that even in this day and age, there are still people with polarized opinions. And these folks are willing to defend their beliefs like a wolverine in drag.

One that still seems to make a few headlines, much to my surprise, is the whole evolution thing. Despite the world at large feeling pretty confident about it, there are still a lot of conservative Christian types who want nothing to do with it. I guess the notion of succeeding lower life forms somehow offends god or something like that, I don't know. All I do know is that their voices are in the media a lot more than I expect.

Now, I'm an anthropologist, so I'm contractually required to believe in evolution so I can keep my diploma. But I roll with evolution because it makes sense. We were once a race of ape-like creatures who got smarter when there were less trees around? Yeah, I can kind of see that. It's certainly more reasonable to me than the idea that I'm the genetic offspring of a couple of naked people who ate some fruit and had some sex.

But the religious faithful have spoken, and they have louder microphones than me, so I'm not going to bother with the fisticuffs. Really I just want to ask these people, who loathe the theory that we descend from monkeys, one simple question...

What's wrong with monkeys?

Seriously, are monkeys that bad? Granted they don't have the slick grandeur of lions or eagles, but give them some credit, they are smart little shits. We got them playing with educational toys, taught them sign language, hell we can even hand them a kitten without worrying about bloodshed. Ever try that with a lion? It don't work out so well.

They even found some chimps who make tools. The clever bastards were creating spears to hunt wabbits with or something. Damned impressive. Then of course we've got complex social structures, high adaptability, the fact that they are agile motherfuckers. They may not be the most attractive, but if I had to choose an animal to be evolved from, I'd have to say those monkeys have a pretty good-lookin' resume.

You want to talk about the shitty end of the stick, then think about dinosaurs man. They're birds. Birds man! The biggest, baddest mo-fo's on the planet are now cockatoo's and sparrows and shit. Did you know some science types in Boston did some soft tissue analysis of a T. Rex leg and found several similarities to chickens? Fucking chickens man! What if you bumped into a T. Rex today? Could you really drop that kind of bomb on him?

"Umm..........sorry man, turns out your lineage isn't all that anymore. From what I hear, you're now a mindless, flightless fowl, and we eat your kin by the dozen."

You would have to tell a big, mean killing machine, that used to evoke fear across a barren land, that the most menacing his fore bearers get is when they crap on somebody's hood. Don't you think when confronted by this type of information, he'd be a little more than upset? Hell, I'd be in a rampage if I had to learn that, despite my great history, my descendants at best, are considered noble, and at worst, are just plain cute . And it wouldn't surprise me in the least if that T. Rex walked away thinking, "This natural selection thing is bullshit!"

So you anti-evolution types, let's be reasonable. Take a moment to get a good look at your everyday chimp and orangutan. You still may end up keeping your Jesus fish and not buying into it all, but at the very least you can say, "Well shit, I could've come from much worse stock."