Dear Chrysler Automotive Group: WTF?

Look guys, I know times are kind of hard right now. People just aren't digging on your designs anymore, and it's causing all kinds of problems. The cash flow isn't coming in anymore, poor people are getting laid-off left and right , Daimler dumped you in that oh, so painful break-up. It's a rough time for you, and I can sympathize, for we've all been there.

And hey, to see you rebound and get back on your feet would be....well that would just be keen. The world loves to see a good comeback story, and I think you've got the ability to do it. I mean heck, you managed to survive the 70's right? Remember the Imperial LeBaron and what a silly idea that was? Oh, I'm sure you laughed yourself to sleep for many a night after that silliness had passed. Ahh...good times. So yeah, I sure wouldn't mind seeing you lift yourself up by your bootstraps and get everything all peachy again.

But I don't think the way to pull that off is by doing this.

Seriously, what the hell were you guys thinking? What dumb-fuck meeting gave you the idea that if you forced a bunch of cattle to walk down a street with brand new Dodge Rams and lots of nosy people, we'd fall madly in love with you again? What, were you guys all patting each other on the back after this little brainstorm? "Hey, lots of live beef on a street with our loud trucks and lots of cameras. We're geniuses!" It's just dumb man! Fucking dumb!

Haven't figured out why yet? Well, I'll break it down for you. First, and foremost, forcing a bunch of bovine critters to walk across hard asphalt with all the chaos of a city going on around them is downright cruel. It's a mean thing to do to an animal. And I don't even fucking like cows! But I still manage to maintain enough common sense to say, "Hey, maybe this is taking shit a little too far!" And you didn't just get any livestock, no you had to go for Longhorns didn't you? Wow, so you just drove down to a local farm and picked up 120 head right? No you say? How surprising since, THAT BREED OF COW IS NOT NATIVE TO MICHIGAN! You had to import them from Oklahoma you damned idiots! Either by forcing them to sit in the back of a trailer for several hours, or on the off-chance you splurged, sticking the whole herd in a plane. Didn't that seem a trifle fucked up to you? Didn't any alarms start going off in your head when the words "Transporting cattle" popped in your noodle?

What is with the cattle anyways? Maybe it's my years of forensic and zoological studies, but when I look at the logo that is on every single fucking Dodge vehicle you make, there are no cows on it. No, what i see is a horned ram. Granted, there's a distinct possibility it's an antelope, or maybe a bighorn sheep, but it is most certainly not, a cow.

Of course, people who don't have my knowledge and training, do have the ability to spell. And they might notice that the words RAM and COW are substantially different from each other. So it kind of looks like you failed elementary-school level biology, which is pretty damn sad.

But the cattle were a metaphor you say? That the cows weren't the focus but an element in a message you were trying to give the world? Interesting, and what would that message be? "We're separating from the herd," how cute. Too bad it doesn't make any damn sense.

Tell me what's so revolutionary about your new Ram, hmmm? C'mon, tell me, I'm really curious, since everything I've read says you haven't changed shit. It's still a big fucking vehicle with big fucking engines draining a lot of fucking gas. And claiming that it burns 4% less gas than before still doesn't change the fact that it's a guzzler. So, from what I gather, you've only refined it's big, loud, unpleasant nature. You're haven't separated from the herd, you're smack dab in the middle of thing.

Oh wait, my bad. It appears you installed a 30 GB hard drive in the dash and a soda cooler in the bed. Wow, that's stunning. Where do you guys come up with this stuff?

Look Chrysler, I've never been a big fan of what you make, but I'm certainly not against you. I wouldn't mind it at all if you made some cool, happening rides. Hell, if it's sharp enough, I might even buy one. But this isn't innovation, it's doing the same shit you've always done. And making a huge scene like this doesn't make your vehicles better. In fact, it just makes you look even more stupid. So dump the theatrics, lock yourselves into a room, and try to invent something impressive. Hell, considering a bunch of your rides ended up on the Worst Cars Of 2007 List, just start with inventing something decent.

In the meantime, I'll be patiently waiting..............for another company's car.