Top Chef: The Last Supper

After last weeks Top Chef show, we are officially down to the final four. And this, I'm sad to say, is about the only "Final Four" that a geeky little reject like me could ever be excited about. And what a way to get me psyched for the finals......by getting rid of the slut. Boy was that a load off! She should have been gone like 3-4 episodes ago. The whole romance thing was icky, and it seemed like the minute she messed up one of her meals during resteraunt wars, she just quit trying. And yet, they kept her onboard, in favor of other people who were trying much harder. So, sending her off was the best news of the night......especially since I was fairly convinced it would be Stefan who was going home. I guess he got lucky, or perhaps overcooking is less of a sin than slightly raw, who knows?

The most irritating thing about last weeks show had to have been Padme. Seriously, what the fuck was up with that dress? Skin tight, tiny, and having all the naughty bits poke out, it almost drove me to the point where I wanted to scream, "THINK OF THE CHILDREN!" There are many out there who find Padme to be an attractive woman, and to those people I wish happy daydreaming. But personally, she kind of gives me the willies.


Anyhow, here's my take on the final four:

STEFAN

My pick for winner of Top Chef, and goddamnit, I swear sometimes I could just smack him upside his bald head! He delivers the fucking goods time and time again, and nearly loses over the simplest stupid things. Last time it was underestimating his opponents skill, which you should never do, and now he's over-cooking his fish! How in the hell do you do that Mr. "Oh, I live by the sea, and know how to fillet and eel, and have been cooking for 25 years"? I'm not a professionally trained cook yet, but even I know to be fearful and of great respect when it comes to dealing with fucking seafood man! Get it together!

HOSEA

God, I can't wait for this guy to get sent home. The mouth on this guy is usually enough to get me in an anger-induced rage most nights. "Oh, I'm the seafood guy, everyone knows me as the seafood guy," blah de-fucking blah. Look, you may have a seafood resteraunt, but nobody acknowledges you as the "seafood guy." If I wanted to have an in-depth discussion on the bounty of the sea, I'm talking to the guys in my local sushi resteraunt long before I call you. You're a cook, just like everyone else on the program. The only one giving you this reputation is you buddy, and from what I've seen, you haven't delivered on your "seafood guy" credibilties. Hell, in the challenge before last, you didn't let your monkfish rest. Monkfish is supposed to rest man. Shit, I've never worked in a seafood resteraunt a day in my life, but all it took was an episode of The F Word to teach me this. And you've got all these years of experience on me and still made a dumbfuck mistake like that.

It would all be forgiveable if you didn't continue to make these loud statements about what an amazing and skilled cook you are, or how you're soooo much better than all these Euro guys. Get bent man. If you win, I'm never watching Top Chef again. Or, I'll continue to watch it after I bust Hosea in the kneecaps with a tire iron.

CARLA (aka Coco)

This is a woman I know I couldn't stand to be around for any length of time. The voice, the mannerisisms, the creepy way her eyes look like they're going to shoot out of her skull when she talks, it's all too much. If I had to spend an afternoon with her, I know that I'd be getting all kinds of angry and violent within the course of an hour. She is not someone I could ever acquaint myself with.

That said, I would have no problems eating her food. She's been cooking up some great dishes as of late, and I definitely appreciate the purist sensibilities in her dishes. If she won, I could probably be happy......so long as I don't have to hear her talk.

FABIO

Shit man, delivering up what easily had to be the best looking meal of the night, all with a broken finger? The man's got gumpsion baby. I don't care what anyone says, I genuinely like the guy. Smug as he may seem, he's quick to make fun of himself. And though I know everyone's got the whole "Itallian man-whore" persona for him, I've never seen a situation where he wasn't quick to talk about and wax poetically about his wife and family. Plus, the guy's made some awesome looking eats. There are very few things he has done that I wouldn't have been happy to eat. No abstract and artistic looking dishes with interesting colors and what not. Nope, his stuff looks like things you can eat. I have my doubts that Fabio will win this, but I'd be plenty happy if he did.


And that's that. See you all on Tuesday.