Catching Up: Jessica Simpson

Ol' Jessica's been taking a lot of flak lately.

Apparently, she decided that she would end her hiatus from the world by performing at a chili cook-off (Ye gods!) And in the process of singing for said cookeries, looked a bit plump. Pictures have been swarming the internet comparing a Dukes of Hazzard-era Simpson to the curvier Chili-era simpson, and the shit has flown. Talks of her added waistline have spawned posts ranging from "a few pounds," to "heavily obese," making for the most reviewed analysis of photographs since the JFK assassination.

Jessica has handled this public crisis pretty much as expected: She's had meltdowns, blown things out of proportion, and basically acted like a whiny brat.

Jessica's been in a major pout fest with this whole thing. She even got little sister Ashlee to berate the media for focusing so much attention on her sister's appearance, stating that there were more important things to pay attention to (as though a woman who named her child Bronx Mogwai really should be speaking about anything.) Jessica herself was quoted at a recent concert saying, "I feel like in our world today, we focus on so many things that are completely pointless."

Whatever tubby.

Don't get me wrong, I really don't care what Jessica Simpson's weight is. If she wants to go back to the slim and trim Jessica of yore, that's fine. If she wants to keep this weight, that's fine too. Hell, she can add another 20 pounds of weight to what she has, I could care less.

In fact, I almost encourage it. Despite all the mediated trash-talking going on about her, I think Jess looks like she's living a normal life. And normal is damned good. It means not spending every waking minute in a gym and having to eat grass and twigs just because there's an interweb of lonely guys who think at great length about how good you look in shorts. Life's too short man, and I'd rather spend it in the company of people who enjoy things like a lazy day, or a decadent meal, than some chiseled beast who suckles a wheat grass smoothie in between spinning classes. If Jessica Simpson wants to enjoy a few more ding dongs in her life, than I wholeheartedly support it.

But be ready to own up to it damnit. Tell the world "Yeah, I like Whoppers. I put on a few pounds, and I'm okay with it." It's honest, shows you've got gumption, and defuses a situation quite nicely. Instead, we are left with someone who pisses and moans because they are a pillar of attention, just like they wanted to be.

You'll notice that when Jessica was all slim looking, that never once did we hear her camp whining about how a woman's weight had become newsworthy. Not once did we hear how the media was a malicious beast for making such a fuss over her appearance, when she was wearing Daisy Dukes and peddling disgusting pizzas. Everyone remembers that image of her in the bar, sticking her ass straight out, forcing us to look at it. For a period of about a year, it was impossible to even escape! And nobody was talking then. Oh but now, now that her looks aren't something people are furiously maturbating over, now new oversensalization has become a bad thing.

Sorry, I'm not buying. This is the exact bag of bullshit you signed for when decided to do what you do. You get paid a ridiculous amount of money, and get offers to put your name and face on things that get sold to people like me for exorberant amounts of change, this here is the flaw to your profession. And you can invent all the "skorts" you like, and ask for prayers at every single concert you perform at, but the truth is there. Now you can go back to the gym and get back the status quo, or you can keep your current weight and own up to it, but don't be shaking your fingers at the very people who made you the success you are.

The wheel turns both ways baby.