My First Review

Looks like ol' Boogie is starting to hit the big time. I was browsing the spam box in the Gmail account today, mostly because I was bored , when I stumbled across an email from the good folks at Peloop. They addressed it to Mr. Boogie Man Montoya of "The Boogie Man Speaks." And apparently, they would like my fine publication to do a review on their product for either a monetary sum, or the honor of owning one of their quality products.

Wow, my first offer into the world of commercialism. It's all Maserati's and fancy hotel rooms from here on out.

But seriously, I'm not actually gonna do it. Money isn't so tight here around Mello-Drama that I need to consider writing a review on a bogus sex product to get by. It's the principle of the thing really. If I even consider writing a single one, my reputation for brilliant nonconformism goes right down the drain. Despite the fact that no one reads this dribble, I still have to look at my ugly mug in the mirror and admit to myself, "I wrote a sex ad." It's a hard thing to live down.

So, I was just going to chuckle before standing by the guns and pressing delete when I had a thought. I said to myself, "You know, what if I didn't take the offer, but I still published the review, Boogie style. Might make for a fun read, and at the very least it would amuse me for twelve minutes." So, here it is, my unbiased and totally pointless review on the Peloop.

Enjoy.

Are you like me and enjoy a healthy sex life, filled with quality erections and satisfied partners? if you answered no, then you are a loser. But, it's not your fault. Studies show that high quantities of preservatives combined with a stressful modern lifestyle and copious masturbation have led to a weakened sexual drive. Erections don't last as long, splooge doesn't fire out of your member like a skyrocket on cocaine, and all your mating partners are calling up your parents to tell them they did a horrible job raising you.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Not if you have Peloop. You see, Peloop is a non patented, completely unproven system that uses magnets to enhance erectile response. Magnets people! We're talking science here, and scientists all around the world know that magnets are good for absolutely nothing. Nil, Zilch, Nada. Because if magnets did anything medically interesting, then you'd see them being sold by medical supply companies instead of in really chintzy bracelets sold at gift shops across the southwest. This worthless magnet is fitted to an uncomfortable looking plastic strap that is quite reminiscent of those bracelet things doctors put on you when you go to the hospital. No cushioning, no support, just hard plastic with highly advanced chafing abilities. We've also colored the Peloop a bright fluorescent orange, so that other users of our fine product can identify you as part of the collective. A group of successful people who are failing the genetic race. This product is guaranteed to do nothing but make you really uncomfortable and afraid to whip it out in public bathrooms.

But you're desperate you say, well then let's talk features. The Peloop uses a rare earth magnet to produce a strong magnetic field around the base of your penis. That's right, a rare earth magnet. This means you can't just go to home depot, grab a package of craft magnets and slap them on your peter. Nope, this is special. A unique type of magnetic field that helps to open up the arteries and allow more blood into the shaft, creating much more massive and impressive erections. And that's not all! The creators of Peloop have also including the minerals Tourmaline and Germanium in the creation of the device. Sounds fancy? It's not. Tourmaline is typically found in basic rockstuffs like granite and marble. It's pretty, and makes for great tabletops, but otherwise useless. What about germanium? Very useful, in fact we use it all the time. For semiconductors and transistors mostly, you see a lot of it in Radio Shack. Not so sure it's so good for the scrotum, but hey you are desperate right?

And Peloop has all the answers for your desperation. You see these minerals add some powerful side effects to the act of erecting. Magic side effects. The Tourmaline creates the influx of negative ions (also known by no one as "air vitamins,") while the germanium produces a high concentration of Far Infa Red Rays into your member. What are air vitamins you ask? I'm glad you asked. You see, vitamins are sourced from minerals. And since germanium and tourmaline are technically minerals, and we've already guaranteed your little solider will be at full attention by using this product, these minerals will be airborne. Hence, air vitamins, get it? It was on National Geographic, but you probably missed it.

Far Infa Red Rays haven't made it to television yet, but they are still quite impressive. They harness the power of a spectrum of light we can't even see. Then how do we know it exists? Because we feel it in the form of heat. And yes, we make tons of heat just by being alive, but remember this is magic heat. Heat that gets those blood cells jumping like crazy to produce large scary erections. Where does the heat come from? Well it doesn't. Germanium's a conductor remember? You have to plug it into something. I suppose a car battery could work, but that would probably mean you're into the weird shit. You probably wouldn't need Peloop if that's the case. But, there are other energy sources out there, like the sun for example. Of course, you'd have to walk around with your package out in the open to get any kind of real benefit from it. And that may be illegal. But, that's okay. When the nice police officers escort you to jail for indecent exposure and they ask, "Is that a Peloop?" You can say, "Yes, yes it is."

So, why be a failure in the bedroom when you can be a failure in the bedroom who's also gullible? We've got testimonials by proud users of our product pouring in. Granted, they gave one sentence answers and won't let us use anything other than their first name, but it's a clear indicator of the success people are having with Peloop. Hop on the train to success, and strap yourself in for some odd colored, slightly uncomfortable non-arousing action. Don't wait, order now!

Keep those ad requests coming boys, Boogie's on a roll!