The Chair Thing

Written on a legal pad during a staff meeting:


You know what would be really satisfying right now? Throwing a chair.

Just grabbing any random chair in this room, and hurling it as hard as I can. There's enough chairs in here, so it wouldn't be like finding one would be hard. And I don't even need to throw it at a person. The wall over there will do just fine. I just think seeing one inanimate object colliding with another inanimate object would be fucking amazing right now.

And you know what would make this better? An audience. My co-workers perhaps. They wouldn't even need to push me over the edge or prompt me into the act in any way. They just have to be there. To observe me go all Incredible Hulk for a few seconds as I commit an act of destructive violence against nothing in particular.

Perhaps if they saw me throwing a chair around, they would realize that they work with someone who should be taken seriously. They would know that I'm a man's man, a competent individual with some measure of intelligence and decent aim. The loud yell that would precede the throwing of said chair would probably be enough to remind these people that the person they work with is both passionate and assertive. People who aren't dedicated would never throw a chair. No, only a committed individual is capable of such a thing.

In fact, more meetings should have "chair time." A five minute break where, after the usual routine of self serving brown nosers making pointless observations and added adjustments to already futile rules, where everyone picks up a chair, and flings it as hard as they can at a stable, stud-laden wall. Think what this would do for morale. Decent hard working people would look forward to weekly meetings. Hell, they'd be lining up ten minutes early picking out their chair for the day. And you'd never have to worry about those fringe people. The ones who are a little too quiet and are probably cleaning semi-automatic pistols every night after work waiting for "one more thing" to push them over the edge before they bring that motherfucker in and start unloading on innocent people. Those people need to toss a chair more than anyone. Probably two.

And how expensive are chairs anyways? No business pays for good chairs. They always opt for those $10 - $20 pieces of shit. Cheap and flimsy. Perfect fodder for breakage. And the costs would be offset in higher productivity, and a better understanding of your staff. Think about it, a person who can put all of their force into throwing a chair into a wall is capable of some great things. That's the person you want firing people during downsizing. That's the person you want telling the client that they're wrong, and they need to get over it and quit whining like a bitch. Do people really want the little kiss ass handing the dirty stuff? Fuck no! Get the guy who's not going to be stopped by anything to break a cheap ass chair. He'll shake shit up and be happy to do it.

And it's not like chair tossing is gender exclusive. Chairs are light these days. There isn't a woman alive who couldn't pick one of the damn things up and put some fury behind it. I know that the ladies could make at least as a good a show of it as the fellas. Probably better. In fact, there isn't anyone of any race, gender, background, or preference who couldn't get some sense of satisfaction out of watching a chair explode because of adrenaline and Newton's second law. This is universal peace we're talking about.

And I don't want to hear anyone whining about us being a civilized race. Fuck civility! Words like please and thank you are nice, but they don't help tame the primal instinct. You can't have sex civilized can you? Of course not, that shit is supposed to be done raw. Going for civility in the bedroom only leads to soft muscle tissue and people laughing at you. We've got the urge, fight or flight response, and it needs to come out. And we can either run into the streets trying to catch pigeons with our teeth, or we can bust up a few chairs. And you civilized freaks are welcome to join in. I bet once that first chair makes contact with the wall, you'll be rethinking your posh lifestyle. Maybe you won't press those clothes as thouroughly anymore. Maybe you'll even let a bird and some harsh language fly when you get cut off in traffic. I'm down with it, and you know damn well that it'll feel good. So good, that you'll be waiting for "Chair Day" to vent on that failed marriage, forclosure, cold coffee, burnt fries, or whatever it is that's got you down. And I'll be right there next to you, with my own chair in hand. We'll bond between bits of broken plastic, cheap aluminum, and a sense of quelled fury.

Now someone hand me a chair before I start killing some overpaid, underwhelming superiors goddamnit!


End transcript. God help us all.