Cher Is The AntiChrist

I am so pissed off at Cher right now.

It's got nothing to do with that whole diva attitude or the slew of inferior musical representation she's forced me to digest. Not even her screwing over Sonny Bono or Greg Allman grinds the ol' gears. No, what's got me in a rage is something minor, insignificant even. Or at least it was supposed to be.

Back in 1998, Cher decided to make herself known again to the world. She ventured forth into the studio, singing about the usual fare of love, loss, dancing, and remembrance. In those recording sessions, a piece of technology was employed to devastating effect. The program was Auto-Tune, software created to enable studio hounds to take the average out-of-tune voice, and digitally adjust it. Normally the effects are subtle......well subtler anyways, but in this instance, the effect was run at extreme settings, sharpening the vocals to the tightest pitch imaginable. It also had the added effect of making her sound like she was singing through a synthesizer, or giving fellatio to a robot. That song was called "Believe," and now you know the rest of the story.

Cher insisted on keeping that vocal effect on the final recording. And you should hate her for it.

By itself, this story is insignificant, the effects however, not so much. For some reason it spawned the need for every punk and hooligan who could sing in tenor range to plug the bastard in and sing along. Initially the abusers were A-list pop stars from Cher's era. They plugged it in to ride that celebrity train for all it was worth. Shania, Madonna, even Tina Turner dabbled. And this was expected. Annoying, but expected. Most people simply dismissed it because the aforementioned abusers had some notoriety. Shania Twain can do anything she wants in the studio, since it's already been proven that Shania can sing.

But if you pan to the present, you'll notice the recent fallout has been far more dramatic, and far less forgivable. Guys like Akon and T Pain are making careers off of this device. And their credentials are a bit more vague. I won't argue that these guys might actually be able to hold a tune, but they use the software so goddamn much, it's hard to say. I think that if they ever actually starting singing with their natural voices, nobody would even recognize them.

And the other day, while in a desperate remote hunt, I saw a Chris Brown video where he did nothing but sing through that ridiculous synthesized, overcompensated voice. And for three fucking minutes no less. I am not, nor will I ever be a Chris Brown fan, but somewhere along the line, I developed the distinct impression that the kid could actually sing. Why in the hell would you do something like that? What's the point? To prove that you can do it? Well shit, we've all known that it could be done since 1998. No, fuck that. We knew this since the 7o's when Moog starting putting Vocoders in their shit. Tons of funk bands have treaded this ground before baby.

What's scary is that it's getting to the point where this is becoming no mere toy or tool. a style of music all to itself. Years ago, electronic drums created the mindfuck named "Disco." And now it's happening all over again with Auto-Tune. Eventually, there will be more artists who base their entire careers on that software. Music journalists and a fledging industry will create a new genre for them, and make it out to be the next big thing. They'll call it "Autotronica," or "Tune-Wave" or some shit like that, and talk about it's ability to transcend genders.

And it'll probably be the straw that leads us into full-on automation. And it's all thanks to Cher. She has destroyed music for us, and civilization will fall because of it.