Clay Aiken Talks Smack About Adam Lambert

As you can imagine, I don't watch American Idol. I pretty much loathe and despise everything about the program, and all the vanity and karaoke-style warbling it stands for. It's tedious television, where even with different contestants, the drama and bullshit stays exactly the same.

So, when this year's Idol came and went, I proudly was able to watch it go by without watching a single episode, a personal best for me. More so because I had constant pressure from family and acquaintances who felt I should be watching it this time around. "You really need to see this Adam kid," they would say, "He's very good." Then they'd talk about his dark way, his skill at changing songs to fit his style, and so forth. And of course, there'd be the insistence that I see next week's episode, because this kid was supposed to be "right up my alley." These poor diluted souls not realizing that, no matter how talented or interesting Lambert may be, his presence on American Idol made him just as much of a shortcut-taking hack as the rest of them. So, I ignored the advice and reconsidered who I made acquaintances with, and continued to live my life far away from that garbage.

But today, I find myself in the interesting situation of feeling like I must defend this guy I've worked so hard to avoid.

And it's not because he lost or anything, (Yeah, I know that much. Apparently American Idol is thickly ingrained in my news feeds between the economy, Guantanamo bay, and swine flu. The bastards or everywhere!) although that does rather suck. From what I gather, it seems like this guy was doing something different and at least trying to have a personality, and instead they still picked the guy who is basically another clone of other pop nonsense. But that's neither here nor there, best I can tell American Idols have a very limited shelf life anyways.

No, I feel I must say something on behalf of Lambert, because Clay Aiken is a douche.

Apparently, the former Care Bear-looking Idol had a few harsh words to say about Lambert on his blog, which apparently is membership only, and requires a fee of $29.95 a month to participate in. When asked by a fan about his opinion of the finale, Aiken replied:

"I couldn't be happier about the way "AI" ended this year. I only turn the show on once a season... This year, I happened to turn it during the minute that Adam Lambert was singing ‘Ring of Fire’ and, at that moment, thought my ears would bleed. Contrived, awful, and slightly frightening!"

Aiken also makes a point of mentioning that he never actually heard the other guy sing. So for all the guy knows (and for all I know as well,) This Kris person may sing like an injured kitten getting peed on. But that's not important, since he can make bold claims to a paying fanbase based on watching 30 seconds of programming.

What..........the............fuck?

I can't believe that people actually pay two dollars and fifty cents a month so they can listen to this guy be so dumb. If you don't want to watch the fucking program Aiken, fine. It's your prerogative. But at least be honest about it with people who apparently adore you enough to spend money on your monkey ass. You could have played it honest, and said "Y'know, I really don't watch the program enough to know who's who, but I wish the winner all the best in his success." That would be perfectly understandable. Instead he makes a grandiose statement based on a few minutes of observation, and ends up sounding like a complete ass.

The article I linked to also mentions that his blog went on for great length, discussing contestants and the show. Without being privvy to the exact content of the post, I can't get into specifics, but it seems to me that if you can talk about something for great length, then you've probably been watching it a hell of a lot more than you say you have. Did widdle Clay think it would be cool to act like he doesn't watch the program that made him a success, or that he continually begs to be a part of? Most likely.

And of course, there was this nugget: "In a battle between David and Goliath, my money is on David! I think many voters got sick of being ‘told who to vote for.’ I think many were turned off by the blatant favoritism shown towards one contestant... I think they voted AGAINST an American Idol that has, for four years now, been more about the slick productions and polished contestants than it has been about finding the raw talent."

Ummm Clay..........you're not David, I'M FUCKING DAVID!!!!! Most of the artists I know are David, all of the guys who are on Myspace and not getting ad revenue (unlike yourself I'm sure) are David. You're Goliath douchebag. So quit mouthing off like some poor starving artist, you got your moment in the sun to be a generic pop superstar. And you were on freaking Broadway for crying out loud, grow a pair already. As far as I know, you're not living in some miserable little shack trying to make ends meet so you can have food for the day. So you really don't have that much to bitch about. Go hit up the Disney Channel for guest spots, maybe promote a skin cream or some shit like that. I'm sure you'll get by.

As for me, I will continue to not watch the program. It's legacy of horribleness will surely continue. Adam Lambert, I'm sure I'll have to deal with soon enough. People like him don't get this kind of press without eventually ending up as noise I'll have to hear. I can only hope for the sake of all mankind, that he continues to be different, and doesn't flop into that generic slipstream we've all become so accustomed to. Originality in music, wouldn't that be nice?

As for Aiken, well he can go fornicate himself on an electric drill. At the very least, stop charging people for the privilege of reading how dense you can be man. For any of you disillusioned readers of Clay, you're more than welcome to join the reading ranks of TBMS. My shit's free.

UPDATE: I'm actually pretty stunned with how much material I was able to generate from such a trivial post. The idea was to make something brief about this ludicrousness with a few wacky zingers thrown in, and it really blew up into something intense. This'll teach me to write material when running on very little sleep.