Mariah Carey and Mo'Nique At Sundance

Does it concern anyone that Mariah Carey and Mo'nique were not only in a movie featured at Sundance, but that they actually won awards? Maybe it's just me, but the mixing of those two with that event almost feels like the gates of hell opening and a marching band stepping out playing "I'm Too Sexy" with tubas.

For the record, I have not seen Push, nor am I against seeing it. I have not read the book either, nor am I against reading it. Conceptually, they sound pretty interesting. And it is altogether possible that the singer and the comedian did do a fantastic job acting in front of a camera. It could be completely mind-blowing and relevatory of the human condition, I don't know. So, I'm certainly not talking out of any kind of real study or experience when I say, "Mariah Carey and Mo'nique? Really?"

These are two people who have added a thick layer of stupidity to every single film I've seen them in. Other than being mildly amused with Wisegirls, every other movie I've seen with Carey in it has just left me feeling like the people in charge desperately wanted somebody.....anybody, who looked good and had big boobs in a cameo. I can almost hear the conversation, "Well, we couldn't get Traci Lords, and Pamela Anderson is booked.........let's see what Mariah Carey is doing." I've certainly not gotten the impression that she's ever been hired for her abilities to act. Best I can tell, her acting is a mix of her giving a happy and joyful smile to the camera, and later to give a sad pout. And if you've ever seen a Mariah Carey music video, you'll know that neither of these are really anything to write home about.

And Mo'nique? Why people why?

Did someone forget this woman had a lead role in the Parkers? Did the world forget what a turd sandwich that was? Ye gods, her whole career has been her sauntering on camera, making a high pitched "Heeeyyyyyyy" sound, smiling, and then sauntering away. Mo'nique is a fucking sound effect people! She's thrown into films for noise, weak humor, and authenticity. And now you're gonna reward her for this?

I watched Mo'nique in a serious role once. I can't remember what it was called, but it involved her interviewing the convicts in a women's prison, and hearing their life stories and so on. These were real people, not actors. And she was being called on to interview, not to act. A very simple thing, and she still fucked it up. She spent the brunt of the documentary wearing the "Oprah face." Sad eyes, lips tucked in tight, and lots and lots of nodding. The kind of expression that says "You poor thing," but can also be translated as, "Fuck I'm hungry, when are they gonna feed us?" Oprah does it better, we don't need Mo'nique out in the world trying to half ass it.

I'm not so naive to not notice that the Sundance located a half hour away from me has gone to the richy poo-celebs. It's a game the big names like to play, "Let's go to a small mountain town in the middle of buttfuck winter, watch movies we hate, and hype up the kitsch value." It's an elitest's destination, it even gets it's own little pictoral in Us Magazine. So I know that the high end dramatic celebrity rules Sundance.

I'm also aware that many of the big names have participated in low budget independent films. Hell a lot of great names got their start in doing shit like that (Ben Affleck anyone?) And that's perfectly cool, an independent director gets a bit more press, the afforementioned big name actor gets to stretch out his or her acting chops a bit. Everybody wins.

However, throwing Mrs "Touch My Body," and Mo'nique into a Sundance scenario reeks of so much B-grade crap, that I'm beginning to wonder if this event hasn't completely sold out. Yeah, this is a celebrities thing, but at least there used to be an aura of professionalisim to it. Pretentious sure, but skilled and experienced enough to pull it off. But if we're gonna throw Carey and Mo'nique into this mix, well we might as well invite Nickelodeon and MTV to hang out as well. Shit, let's get Miley Cirus and Shia Lebeouf to do a "coming of age" film set during the gas shortages of the 70's. That sounds like art doesn't it? How about Spongebob wearing a fucking beret and smoking a cigarette while talking about the futility of life? Sounds deep to me.

But, like I said I've never seen the movie. Perhaps they really are great in it, and completely deserving of their awards.

I doubt it though.