The Return Of Robert Irvine

The voice of the people have spoken. After a shocking and underhanded move by the dark forces who rule Food Network to remove Robert Irvine from the lineup due to an "enhanced" resume, the protests of the masses have been heard. For those in the know who were tuned on Wednesday, Irvine has returned as host for Dinner Impossible after a yearlong absence from the program.

And admittedly, I'm feeling a bit iffy about it.

Yeah I know, I was an advocate for the guy way back when. I signed the petition, and spoke about the unfair treatment he got at great length. I am probably a very small infinitesimal part of the reason he is back on the air. And now that he is, I find myself conflicted.

Perhaps it's my development as a cook. Maybe getting a fundamental background in all things culinary has helped me to see the cracks in his armor. My philosophies about what happens to the food that ends up on my plate are definitely in a different category from Mr. Irvine's. Plus, I have spent a lot of time ingesting the fine works of both Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay over the past year. Possibly it has made me a more refined bastard. At the very least, a different class of bastard.

But then again, maybe it isn't me. Maybe it's him. And maybe it's the things I started to see in him.

Flash back to those last episodes of the season, when the announcement had already been made about his departure, and Food Network was just throwing them on the air to honor a contract. This was not the same guy who managed to not strangle Neil Patrick Harris, or whom cooked up a classly looking spread at Pixar. This was a different Irvine altogether.

And I for one did not like this Irvine. Watching those episodes left me shifting uncomfortably in my seat as though someone had dumped thumb tacks drenched in lemon juice on my seat. I've never denied that Robert Irvine was an ass, but those episodes definitely pushed the level up into ass-hole land. Not just being snappy and about the job, but just being downright mean. Even to people who didn't deserve it.

Remember that episode at the fire station? The one where he was relieving the regular cook for a day? He was snapping at everyone, even getting a little bitter to the woman whom he was supposed to be replacing. Then there was the whole business of the stove breaking. Robert stomped around ordering firefighters (firefighters people! A breed of civil servant worthy of a great deal of respect) to fix the damn things because, and I quote "It's not my job to fix stoves because I'm a cook."

Ummm, okay Robert. Perhaps I'm a little novice in my thinking here, but......don't you kind of need stoves to do cooking with? I know I use one all the time. Most folks I know use one too. And it seems to me that with all these years of training, you might know a thing or two about how stoves work. And being a military man where knowledge of your equipment is part of the job, it seems you'd have some background in the subject. But hey, maybe you don't. Maybe it's something you never did, or haven't done in a long while. That's alright by me. Had you said, "Can someone please fix this stove because I don't know how to," I'd have dismissed it without a second thought. But you didn't. Instead you barked orders at decent people instead of helping the process along, making it sound like you were better than maintaining a stove. Sounded kind of shitty to me.

Another example would be the Japanese festival. He had a good and knowledgeable staff, including a trained sushi chef with over 30 years experience in the field. Here is a man who has paid his dues and is typically treated with some degree of reverence by his colleagues. Apparently, that wasn't how Irvine rolled. Nope, instead of mutual respect and a proper collaboration, we got Robert playing "I'm The Better Chef" on a naturally syndicated show.

Oh wow Robert Irvine, you chopped celery much faster than an old man. Never mind that bits of celery were flying everywhere while your competitor managed to keep everything clean and uniform. And never mind that the knife your competitor was using was a delicate thing of beauty, designed for the precise cutting of seafood and sushi rolls. Nope, you beat a capable chef with great knowledge at wagging your prick. Yay you. And of course we can't forget that moment when he taught you how to make a sushi roll using the side of a pan. You remember that moment right? You stared wide eyed into the camera and said "I made sushi. It took him thirty years, me thirty seconds!" What a great moment that must have been.

And of course who could forget that bi-cultural wedding you did. Getting into a shit fit with the wedding planner had to have been a good moment for you. I literally slapped my head in frustration when you threatened to walk off the job. What were you thinking man? That somehow the catering staff have more say so than the wedding planner? Oh yeah, you're definitely more important than the person the couple hired to put their wedding together. Go ahead and piss her off because you want all kinds of fucked up flowers on the plates of food that don't jive with the couple's wishes, I'm sure that won't be a problem. The wedding won't start on time and nobody would be able to put that tent up to have a reception in, but that's cool. They can all stand around in the middle of the field eating food off your pretty plates. I'm sure they'll notice all those nicely colored flowers when they're freezing outside. And of course, wrap it all up by forgetting to make the bride her special dessert......which she did ask you to do.

Ahh, treasured moments eh Irvine? By the time those last episodes ran, I was starting to have doubts. Maybe this was someone who wasn't worth supporting. I stand by my statements regarding the whole resume thing, but the issue was more than just added fluff to his paper. The guy just wasn't nice to people. And I saw no justification in that.

At the same time, Michael Symon just wasn't cutting the mustard as host. I mean no disrespect to the guy, Symon is insanely competent. And he is, without a doubt, a very nice person. But he was also very much out of his element. Not to say he's inept, Symon knows how to run a restaurant. But Dinner: Impossible is a different skill set in itself. One Symon really didn't have a background in. So, the few episodes he was around, the poor guy looked very uncomfortable. Not to mention he actually failed a challenge, which kind of ruins the suspense. So, despite my issues with his attitude, part of me did miss the testosterone fury that was Irvine.

So, I watched this last Wednesday with more than a little skepticism. I didn't expect to be blown away anymore, but part of me was still hoping I would be. But my big hope in watching was to see him be a stand up guy. Before the challenge began, have him make a public address saying "Thank you for supporting me, It is because of you the viewers that I can make this program again. And I'll do my best to honor your commitment." Just something to make me feel like this experience has humbled him a bit. Like he's grown.

For anyone who hasn't seen it yet, I'm gonna spoil it for you: He never said that. In fact he never said anything close to that. He went on air acting like nothing ever happened. Like he was the same, dependable conceited ass. In fact the only thing he really did was find ways to squeeze the word "extreme" into as many sentences as possible. And if that doesn't sound impressive, it was even less so watching it.

The cooking wasn't all too spectacular either. I'd say roughly 80% of everything that got served spent time in a deep fryer. Admittedly it was an outdoor kitchen in the middle of winter, but still a man of his caliber should be able to come up with something more brilliant (Perhaps I am too much of a novice, but the first thing that came to my mind was, "how about some tarps?") The few things that managed to avoid the fat looked pretty unpleasant. The chicken looked cooked to shit, and swordfish with hot sauce? Really? I'd expect that from a barbeque pit or Bobby Flay, but you're supposed to be all about the gourmet.

But maybe this isn't what this program is about anymore. Based on that episode and the previews from tonight's episode, I'm getting the feeling that Dinner: Impossible is becoming less about making great food for lots of people within limited time, and more about how many things they can make go wrong. Trips and spills galore, things going wrong all over the place, major train wrecks people. The new DI is about watching things fall over, equipment breaking, stuff being forgotten, people hurting themselves, and having the host stare wide eyed at it all. Culinary excellence and skill may have gone right out the window people.

Of course, I am jumping the gun. It has only been the first episode after all, and I'll definitely watch a few more before I dismiss it as more dribble. Heck, it's possible the food will get better, and Robert will become a more interesting host, and not just a dick. I may even get the gratitude I've been hoping for.

At the very least, I'll be watching to see shit go boom.