The End

It is of surprising universal irony that I sit in this parking lot after my first day at a new job, when "The End" by the Doors starts to play. The Doors had gotten me through many of the hard trials with my last boy job, and so it's only fitting that they open the gate to my next one.


"This is the end........"

Truly, this is the end. The end of what seemed like a lifetime of wandering. It's been more than a year since I felt that sense of security and purpose that only comes with employment. More than a year that I could look at someone I was meeting for the first time, and actually have a decent answer for "So, what do you do?" It's a scary thing when your purpose hangs on a thread. Especially when the things you've dedicated huge chunks of your life to doing, have had no impact on the world at large. You can almost feel your body go into atrophy as you spend your days unshaven, and close to home. No amount of television can ever completely rid your mind of that nagging feeling that you are without purpose in the world. You are nothing, just a tick on the beast, and it may never change until the day your body collapses for the last time and you are no more.

"My only friend, the end........."

It sounds like exaggeration, but after months of watching resumes be rejected, and the phone calls for opportunities never come, you begin to doubt everything you've made of yourself. It doesn't have to be large or life changing, but to know what you are and where you fit in the cogs, sometimes, it's the space between insanity and functional. Today is that day for me. Today I have found some degree of purpose again. I'm half tired from a lack of regular sleeping hours, my nerves are completely shot from trying to adapt to this new situation, and my face is still sore from the first proper shave I've given myself in weeks, coupled with the unusual act of smiling for more than five minutes at a time. But still, it's a good a feeling. I think I can get used to this.

"Can you picture what will be......."



To say I haven't worked at all is a bit unfair. I have done what I could in limited capacities across this place. Nothing serious, although the promise was there. And I ran with that promise, offering up my best in hopes that down the road it would pay off. These jobs came with compromises, big ones. Things that I was feeling pretty unsure about in the long run of things. But, it was security. It meant I wasn't an expendable asset, something I had been for far too long. But, they fell through. Time and time again, the best the world could give me couldn't last for much more than a punchline.

Not here however. Here, there was great promise. Room to grow and expand, Plenty of opportunities to be creative. And what's more, is I have to compromise so little. I get to keep a lot of myself and the things I do while being here. More so than I've ever done before. The people here are decent. Not nearly as twisted as myself, but I can see they've tasted crazy before. I can actually relax in this place. Not completely mind you, me at full relaxation is a level of destruction no soul is ready for, but it's more peace than I've known in a while.

"Lost in a Roman wilderness of pain......"

This is a big place I'm working in. Natural sciences, a first for me. I've tampered with things in biology and science, but never on such an immersive scale. It's a bit intimidating frankly. To go from the grizzled old vet who's seen it all and fought hard, to once again being the new kid who doesn't know anything. Humility has been a constant companion in the past year, and it seems like she's only getting started with me. Still, it means learning. And learning is good. I lifetime spent teaching oneself new stuff can never be wasted. And to get paid for the priviledge? Heaven.

"And all the children are insane......"

Yes, I'm working with kids again. Education field. Funny to walk into this at a time in my life where I felt to weary, and too lost to ever go back. When you experience so much insanity and crooked craziness, you start to wonder if you can ever function in regular society again. Especially when it comes to dealing with rugrats. Can a man who once spent several sleepless days contemplating the darkest things in this world actually provide useful information to a bunch of experience soaking youth? Should he even try?

And yet, as I sit in this room, a group of children all around me transfixed on the presenters in front of us, I can definitely see where this once appealed to me. They're an eager bunch, and a lot easier to get along with than any grownup I know. The drama factor is substantially reduced. Something we grown ups can sure use more of in our lives.

"Ride the snake........"

The presenter brings out a python for the kids to see. It's an amazing beast, slow moving and calculating in the presence of all this stress. I'm nervous. Not by the python, I could stare at misunderstood beings like this all day. No, what scares me is that eventually I'll be expected to handle this creature. What's strange is I'm not even worried for my own safety. I'm more worried that through some act of stupidity, I'll hurt this fine organism. I'm worried that I'll look like an idiot in front of a room full of strangers. I guess old habits die hard.

"Come on baby, take a chance with us......"

I'm jaded, I admit it. My looks and my attitude have never ceased to get me in continual trouble. And it's become very easy for me to say, "You know what? Fuck this, I can do better elsewhere." when things get rough. I'm a man of principle, unfortunately it's my own. And my principles sometimes stray from compromise with the world at large. A dangerous place to be when you need the world to sustain in this day and age.

Like I say old habits die hard. I still find myself walking into new situations like this, waiting to be screwed over. I've played it nice before, and when I finally let my hair down, it's bitten me in the ass. I worry how much of the true Boogie can be shown, and the constant debating has left me feeling older and more detached from society. I figure a wholesome place like this will be no different.

And yet, it is. The people exist on a more mellow wavelength than anything I've known before. That's not to say I haven't known mellow people, but rarely have I seen them congregate in a single place with a single purpose. At least not with narcotics present. What's more is that they're actually encouraging me to stick around. Granted, they don't know me that well, and only time will tell what they think once more of the underbelly is exposed. Still, it's more than I've ever known, and something I need to take seriously.


"But you'll never follow me......."

Ending is a strong word now that the end is over. When the call came that told me I had the job, I fell to my knees and said "It's over." But now that I'm in the thick of things with a new place, and a new set of challenges, it doesn't jive anymore. It's a beginning, all over again. Something new, where I'll have to prove my worth all over again. I just hope this time around, I can be less of an ass while I do it. Maybe look a bit more at the place I'm in and the people around me before I start throwing the weight around. Take a second to acknowledge that overall, this is a cool place with cool stuff happening all around, before I throw the dukes up in defense of self.

Or maybe, just maybe, I won't have to do that at all. I'm happy, genuinely happy. A strange situation to be sure, but one I could see getting used to. Sure, there's a lot that can happen, and optimism is always at it's highest at the beginning of one's journey, but I got a good feeling about this place. Happiness and purpose, never would have thought it possible.

"This is the end."