The Vanity Of The Parent

Here's one of life's funny little ironies: A father not watching his child because he's too busy talking to someone on the phone about how they should be raising a child.

Wait, I take it back. It's not funny at all. It's sad, damned sad.

We're a competitive breed, I'll acknowledge that right off the bat. We've gone from hyping up who can hunt deer or catch fish better, to who has a bigger house. Very little is left out of the game anymore. Even mundane things like shoes and watches make huge public statements about one's standing. And I'm not going to delude anyone into thinking that children have never been a source of competition. I'm sure that between now and the days of cavemen, there have been parents saying, "My son/daughter is so much better than your son/daughter." There are generations of kids who are severely screwed up because of their parents constantly using them as a touchstone to success. Tons of them hate the pressure and end up rebelling. An even scarier lot actually buy into the hype and spend a lifetime expecting great things to fall unto them. The only thing that is guaranteed is that these kids will soon have kids of their own, and those kids will be put on the same playing field as Mercedes cars and well groomed lawns.

But bragging about techniques for raising one's child? Seems like a bit much.

First off, there is no gold standard. I don't think there's been any parent who's reared their kids completely free of baggage. We're humans, and as such we're inherently fucked up. And those fucked up tendencies tend to leech off on the young ones, whether we like it or not. No child ever escapes youth without some drama, it's part of nature.

Secondly, what defines an expert. Humans never have that many kids. Well, maybe they do here in Utah where they're dropped by the dozen but in the rest of the world, not so much. So, how exactly did these people become experts on offspring with only a few offspring to call upon? Let's face it, you're first born is screwed. Doesn't matter how many books you read, or how often you watch the Cosby Show, the kid is screwed. Every mistake and bad decision you hadn't even considered in you child raising techniques get discovered with that kid. And even if you think you got a grasp on things with the second kid, you're still gonna mess up. That kid's gonna do things completely different from the first. If kid 1 was quiet, kid 2 is gonna cry like a banshee. If kid 1 adapted well to potty training, kid 2 is gonna shit in the fridge. Don't believe me? Talk to any parent who's dropped more than one. They'll tell you with a cynical smile on their faces that no rules apply. You're in free-for-all land here buster. So the idea of talking about the proper ways to raise ones child as though you're a cattle breeder or own a bee farm is asinine. Unless you've dropped a ton of children, all of whom have become doctors and lawyers and led baggage-free lives, you're in no business to talk about what's "best for the kids."

Nor should you. Raising a young one is a very individual, highly personal thing. I guarantee that if I ever have children, I'm gonna be pulling some shit that a lot of you so called "child rearers" would never subject their kids to. Weird food, questionable music, madness as only I can deliver. And they'll probably hate me for it too. When those adolescent years hit, and suddenly the drama rears it's head, everything I will have done will have only hindered their development. I will have held them back, my infantile tactics making their lives harder and more damaged than if they had been borne from someone else. And you know what? I don't care. I'll do what feels right and make the best decisions I can for my child. I may not be perfect, but at least I can be honest damnit.

So the next time you parents reach for your cell phone to talk about your time tested methods for keeping the kids in line, don't. Instead, take a deep breath, look at your child, and focus on them. This is their life you're dealing with, not your own. Trust me, they'll be giving you things to brag about soon enough.