Riding The Fence

I had to ride the fence today. Sit on the fine line between what was right and was wrong. I reckon everybody's had to be there at one time or another. Had to be handed a decision that challenged where you hung your flag. Good decisions with bad implications, or doing something bad for the common good, there's nothing uncommon about riding the fence.

I've had a pretty easy time with those decisions in my years. My sense of wrong and right is pretty basic and straightforward. I've never followed the bible or anyone else's books, ignored the laws that made no sense, and stuck to a basic set of rules. I do my best not to cause hurt on other people, try to judge based on the circumstance instead of the letter, and try to exist as honorably as possible.

But on a day like today, even the most basic of rules doesn't seem to have any applicable path. There is no clear-cut right or wrong. Not on a day like today, where I had to drive my brother to jail.

In black and white, it was the right thing to do. He was clearly in the wrong, made bad mistakes that hurt other people. His crimes were sizable, and they needed to be atoned for. No man's law or god could dispute that.

But he is family. Perhaps not family whom I'm close to in any way, or have bonded with in any significant fashion, but family nonetheless. And what little I know about family tells me that we're supposed to look out for each other. And yet, here I was, driving him to his fate. Almost like I had sentenced him myself. It didn't matter that this was his decision, and that me driving him was a gesture of compassion, I felt like the traitor here.

My instincts wanted me to pass the police station, and drive down to the Greyhound. Hand him all the cash in my pocket and wish him well. Hope to god that he'd find a way to make it out there alone. Sure, it was against the law and very much the wrong thing to do, but it seemed like a much better insurance policy on his survival than what I was doing.

Bob Seger's "Turn The Page" came over the speakers. I was four blocks from the police station. My right foot was cramping from trying to control the throttle on the vehicle. Didn't want to drive too fast, might get the kid there too quick. Didn't want to drive too slow and have the world thinking I was having second thoughts. Damned if I didn't feel like I was the one throwing him into lockdown.

Needless to say, I completed the trip to the police station, and turned in my brother. Now that it's over and done with, I don't feel any better about it. I didn't commit the crimes, I didn't rat him out, and I didn't force him into the truck. Still, I feel like the outcome rests on me. I guess in a way, it does. For if I had sat back and let the universe take over, any number of other things may have taken place. Matters may have gotten better. Most likely, they would've only been made worse.

In the end, I did what was right. And in the end, I feel like dirt about having to do it.