Religious Revival, or Why I Don't Drink With Jesus

So, earlier this evening, I had to attend a religious ritual of sorts. It was nothing I was particularly committed to, or even felt all that strongly about. But family and friends wanted my presence there, and I try to seldom refuse the wishes of the decent people in my life.

I'm still a damned stubborn old mule when it comes to such things, but I can play polite when I need to. I can sit in the presence of other people's lords and saviors, and keep my mouth shut while others prattle on about all the sub-spiritual mistakes that people can make. I can even nod when asked a question and have even been known to respond positively when asked to do so. You want an amen, I'll give you an amen. Don't question the sincerity behind those two syllables and we'll be just fine.

I'm not here to attack religion, that would be wrong. If Molly May needs her Sunday sweat in a low-rent cathedral with uncomfortable pews and a bald man in white clothes, smelling of sandalwood, just so she can feel better about drinking too much and neglecting her kids, Then I say "Fuck it, let her have it." If you're story is less dramatic and you religious leader's aromatic qualities are in the lavender sector, well you've got my vote there too.

But I have no use for it. I have yet to meet a god, or a read a book that inspires any degree of loyalty in me. I'll openly admit, that if Jesus and Buddha and the rest of the Rat Pack descended from whatever cherubic popsicle stand they've been hiding in, I'd probably have no problem in knocking back a few drinks and some handfuls of corn nuts with them. Hell, I might even like the bastards. But lengthy books and long-winded speeches spilling from the mouths of people who have access to the same information as I do simply won't inspire any kind of reverence in yours truly.

And no, not knowing any of the members of the Super Best Friends isn't what keeps me out of the holy places. Truth be told, it's a minor road bump, the equivalent of walking into a spiderweb when in your basement. I don't do religion because, well....I just don't trust the universe, that's all.

The universe has been an unpredictable minefield for me, and if there is truly a ethereal force out there that governs it, well then it has a lot to answer for. And while I don't expect my existence to be white bread, simple as pie, no flow easy, the fact of the matter is that I've been handed some shit and asked to eat it. I feel that nature has given me a jigsaw puzzle that doesn't actually have any matching pieces. And that bothers me, because I don't think I'm all that bad a chap. Slightly insane maybe. Stubborn most definitely. But, I'm not a complete waste of time and effort.

And I'm not just whining because life is hard. It's supposed to be hard, that's what I've heard. Other people have it hard. Many have it harder than I do, seems to be how the game is played Who am I to question the rules. My big issue is that I keep getting mixed messages from the universe. Contradicting statements that keep me quite confused. For example, I survived being hit by a car. I've survived nearly blowing my own head off as a curious young scamp with his daddy's rifle. I've survived almost being crushed by a dump truck. I've survived being sucked into a whirlpool and nearly drowned. These were all narrow misses people. Close calls that only panned out because of a few well made decisions and quick acting at the last second. A history like that leads me to think I'm either charmed, or the Highlander.

So, I try to do right with my time. I avoid killing, stay away from dangerous drugs, and the wacky people who use them. Go to college, get a degree. Become an upstanding member of society with very few, very minor indiscretions. The Leave It To Beaver ticket to success.
And yet, simple rewards, like having a good job, seem to constantly elude me. I'm as translucent to the world of business and commerce as plexiglass is to an acid junkie. Despite being educated, willing, and capable, I have been unable to move up past "peon" for any industry. If this is the work of an omnipotent being, they're either very cruel, or very drunk.

What I've heard from man is that I am held back from comfort and security because I don't pray enough. The power of prayer is what I need to enrich my life. Never mind that I don't murder people, am nice to animals, and make it a point to never lie, cheat, steal, or be an over excessive bastard. These things are minor details when compared to the few choice words needed to appease the deity of my choice. Frankly, I'm old, I'm tired, and if the heavens are putting such a high premium on my need for prayer over the crap I actually do right, well then I just don't need it.

So, I wander through the universe lost and confused. Fists up, eyes open, constantly alert. Any success is my doing, and any failures are the end result of me being a dumbass. I work at what I make, and I fight for whatever I can get. I'll play nice with cool people and verbally destroy the idiots. All the while, surviving as best I can. If any ethereal force is governing me, then their not going to get the credit they deserve. Of course, reviewing the bang up job they've done so far, maybe I'm giving them too much credit by not acknowledging them.

Religious ceremony ends, and I walk out the door. I smell like smoke, my knees hurt, and I am no richer for the experience. The only advantage being that said friends and family felt better for doing it, and I want them to have all the good vibes they can get. And when asked to bow the head and make good with the praying, I respectfully did so, and mentally dropped the same prayer I recite in every church, before every lord, every time I'm asked to do this:

"Look, I don't put much stock in you,
And I get the feeling you don't put much stock in me.
But whatever, I'm not complaining.
If you're really up there, you're probably pretty busy.
So, I won't make a big deal, since I'm not expecting much out of this.
If I wake up tomorrow and life is suddenly better, then great.
But I won't be all that surprised when my back hurts and my cereal is mushy either.
So, here's the deal,
If you wanna improve things for me, then great.
But I really don't need it and am more than prepared to kick my way through it alone.
So, if you want to make the best use of your efforts,
Skip me and help out these people around me.
They need you a hell of a lot more than I do."

Amen