I was checking my Yahoo email the other day, when I had another one of those loud, overly obvious news headlines thrust into my face. You know the type, a big picture of a famous person, coupled with the perfect sound-byte headline, all of which is taking up huge amounts of browser space. You can' help but take it all in while you're trying to locate that little tiny button that actually leads you to your email. Every once in a while, this tactic works. There's something curious enough to actually pulls me away from my task and forces me to click for a new tab, just to learn more about this stirring piece of data. Nine times out of ten, I'm usually hugely disappointed with the result.
I know Yahoo has never claimed to be an authority on the news. And I know they're a company in pain, who's biggest draw at this point is their willingness to dish relentlessly on celebrity goings-on. I'm aware of all these things, but that doesn't mean I have to like them. And I reaaaaallly don't like them when they actually work too.
I could give two shits about why Sandra Bullock is getting an Oscar, or why she doesn't deserve it. And yet, finding myself suckered into a pointless article because of a captivating headline just makes me feel.....stupid. And I don't like to feel stupid people!
Or, you could get what happened the other day; an article so offensive and rage building, that it's amazing I didn't foam at the mouth and die on the spot.
It started off as it always does, I wanted to check my email. Upon signing in, I see the big bulbous picture of a blond woman who looks somewhat familiar. The eyes drift to the headline before my brain can stop them. The mental conversation that followed went something like this:
"Oh, it's Kate Gosselin, that's why I thought she looked familiar."
"According to these big words, she's gotten a make over so she could be on Dancing With The Stars."
"God how I hate Dancing With The Stars."
"You know it's funny, with this new look of hers, I don't really remember what she used to look like before."
"That's weird, I don't even remember what she was famous for either. She must be an actress or something."
"No wait, I do remember now. She was the mom of the eight kids with that Jon guy."
"Ooooh, okay! Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8, who recently got divorced and is now a single mother is going to be on Dancing With The Stars!"
"Wait..... what?"
Let us consider the math here. A woman, who's most well known public traits are a styled haircut and the ability to reproduce en' masse, who's home is currently broken by a philandering dipshit of an ex-husband, and is now a single mother to 8 children, is going to be taking part of a reality show where she dances in fluffly clothes and hip music. Someone with no sustainable income beyond being an interesting tidbit in People magazine, who has apparently left their career of being an RN in the dust, and is reliant on the child support payments of an idiot, is apparently using all of her time to do rumba's and tangos. Perhaps I'm a little too old fashioned or something, but I can't help but ask:
WHO'S WATCHING THE FUCKING CHILDREN??!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean shit, one would figure that being responsible for 8 fucking children and having no true support network to speak of, might be something that occupies a good healthy chunk of your time! I've seen mothers all around me on a day to day basis, getting stressed out and overwhelmed with the existence of a single child. 8 should be hard labor people! Free time should be a at the back of your fucking mind! What are these kids gonna do while mommy is shaking her ass in front of a camera? Sit backstage with juiceboxes, hoping the stage hands don't have criminal records?
Oh wait, the article says that one of the judges is helping out by setting up a "special day care" for the youngsters. Isn't that nice? I mean, we're not going to trust the father of the children to look after the kids while mommy's playing whore but hey, why not let a TV judge whom you really don't know, make a "special day care" for your children? That sounds like a wonderfully stupid idea.
The article concludes on a quote. During an interview with Jimmy Kimmel, Gosselin said "If I can cook dinner and dance, then I'll be doing really well."
Hey Kate?
YOU'RE NOT COOKING DINNER!! YOU'RE NOT COOKING DINNER AT ALL!! YOU'RE DANCING! WITH STARS! SOMEBODY IN THIS WEIRD CULT DAY CARE FACILITY IS COOKING THE DINNER! AT LEAST I FUCKING HOPE THEY ARE! WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? MAYBE THEY'RE LEARNING HOW TO TALK BACKWARDS AND MAKE SHOES? ALL I FUCKING KNOW IS THAT THEY'RE NOT GETTING COOKED FOR BY YOU! BECAUSE YOU'RE DANCING AND GETTING DOLLED UP LIKE A FLUTTERY SKANK IN FRONT OF A COUNTRY FILLED WITH PARENTS! MOST OF WHOM ACTUALLY DO HAVE TO COOK DINNER! COOK SOME FUCKING DINNER KATE AND QUIT YOUR FUCKING DANCING!!!!!!!
But, I digress.......
Huh. No new emails, too bad.
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