I'm Going To Disneyland!

And wrecking some shit....because I can.

Yeah, this is old stuff and has been done before, but damnit, I think it still has flair. Especially with my fine name attached to it.

Special thanks to Cuppy for sending this my way.

One Year Anniversary of TBMS

Boogie doesn't do weekends. Never has, and barring some huge degree of profit from writing this shit, probably never will. However, I decided to "come into the office" today, because today happens to be a little bit special.

Today marks the one year anniversary of The Boogie Man Speaks. That's right, one year ago today, this humble little page went online and began the slow gradual destruction of the internet as we know it today.

Seriously, who would have ever thought that a failed musician/raving psychotic would have so much to say? Not me, that's for sure. What started as a background page for the occasional goofy thought has morphed into a regularly updated, issue themed...... something. Not quite sure what it is, but it's definitely something.

Clearly, I have no signs of stopping. Even duct taped to a water heater in a basement, I don't know how to shut up. So, if you're actually excited to know that more of this sort of thing is going to be happening, (and if you are, what the hell is wrong with you?) then your prayers have been answered. They may even be expanded upon at some point.

What does the future hold? At this point in the game, it's safe to say that the sky is indeed the limit. Chances are good that people will continue to be dumb, celebrities will continue to be childish, music that sells will still suck, and the government will continue to jerk people off. Having this arsenal at my disposal means I can pretty much do this forever.

Still, I am on the hunt for innovation. Clearly there are many more ways to be snarky and cynical. And it is my job to exploit the living hell out of them.

One thing that has seriously crossed my noodle is a podcast. I mean hell, one of my best attributes is the deep, sex-inducing voice I happen to be stuck with, so I might as well use it. While I have finalized nothing, the basic idea I'm rolling with is to bring up regular news, bitching, and the occasional song from artists I dig upon, just to fill up space. I'd be down for doing readings of any post I've thrown up here, depending on interest. Interviews would, of course be very cool, but there are no guarantees that anyone would actually talk with a beast like me. So, we won't get our hopes up there. There's also the possibility of doing a few skits and/or segments, like I used to do over at Cinema Sound Lounge, or with my regular "Talks With Boogie Man" series on the BGO sites that have become so popular. But again, I haven't settled on anything. It's all just speculation at this point. And it's speculation that I'm gonna leave in your hands.

So tell me loyal readers, what do you think? Would you even be remotely interested in an audio version of your favorite freak? Or is that just pushing the comfort level too much? I've thrown one of them nifty Blogger makeshift polls in the sidebar, so vote at your discretion. Let me know if it is, or isn't, worth the time.

Well, that's that. Thanks to you chosen few who keep coming back to this deathtrap and giving ol 'Boogie a read. Now, I don't know about you, but I've got an anniversary on my hands here. I should probably go make something special out of it. Some cake, flatulence, hooch, gratuitous violence.......should be fun.

Rambling From Olive Garden

I am currently typing this in a highly inebriated state in the southwest corner if the local Olive Garden. Outside, a fair strong snow falls across my fair bastard state, creating the perennial "White Christmas." The booze is slowly insuring that it's a happy one. I am in a desperate attempt to try and keep my neck still, because anytime the muscles flex, my brain functions go haywire. I'm fighting with every weakened fiber of my being to try and maintain some degree of composure here. People in this "America's excuse for Italian" are routinely squeezed into the building like sardines. And on a holiday during lunchtime, it only makes this fact more apparent. Being this close to perfectly sensible strangers makes one's descent into drunkenness much harder to disguise. Of course, since we were the only two lunatics in this place to order pomegranate flavored margaritas at one in the afternoon, we had already started this little trip into madness at
a disadvantage. Any second now, these people are going to see the obvious signs, the gradual slur of the voice, the glazed over staring into space, the desperate need to point aimlessly while talking, and when they do, all hell will break loose.

I'm glancing around nervously, trying to get a feel of the room. Trying to figure out which of these overpriced furry boot wearing white collars is going to rush me first. This is Olive Garden for fucks sake, during lunch time no less. Seating in here at this time is quite the hot ticket. Many folks were being turned away with hour long waits in uncomfortable waiting rooms, just to have a taste of safe elegance. There's no limit what they could have done just to get my seat. It matters not that I paid for soup, breadsticks, and stucco atmospherics just like everyone else. This is the place to be.

Soup's good today. Of course, the soup is always good. Breadsticks too. This is truly miracle bread we're dealing with. Always hot and perfect. We are dealing guaranteed satisfaction here. The fact is, walk into any Olive Garden, and you'll be eating pretty much the same degree of well. This is the stuff people eat when they want to feel like they're eating gourmet, but not take any actual risks. Independent resteraunts try new things with varied ingredients, done in different fashions. It can be touch or go for any person who wants to appear wealthy, since they may pay top dollar and look reputable for food that tastes funny. Not the O.G. There's an Olive Guarden in just about every city nowadays. They're not gonna risk the chain by serving crap. I vaguely remeber that this is what McDonalds used to be before everyone realized they were trying to kill us.

The vibe in Olive Garden is definitely changing. Men and women with dirt on their clothes and the sweat of hard work occupy much of this space. Tattoed and fuzzy faced patrons fill the seats to my north, looking nothing like the happy faced middle-classmen in all those commercials. Olive Garden's changed man. What used to be the height of commercialized snobbery has slowly been taken over by the everyman. Normally, I consider these my people. Brothers in arms with strong alliances. But I am in no condition to wage war today. I'm not even sure I can stand up at this point.

Frank Sinatra's voice keeps coming over the speakers.....or at least I think it does. After all, it's not like I haven't channelled Ol' Blue Eyes in altered states before. The Chairman and I are old friends when it comes to staggering craziness. Something I find myself in a lot of. The waitress is looking at us funny now. it's clear we're past any capacity for appearing rational. I let my thoughts drift to the snow falling outside. Damn, it's coming down. But, 'tis the season I suppose. As I suckle on my cheap chocolate after dinner mints that are apparently wishing me a "Happy Holidays," one thought crosses my mind:

How in the hell am I going to get home?

Dear Utah Board Of Education: WTF?

The state of Utah's Board of Education has unanimously decided to put $20 million in merit pay for Utah teachers, on hold. Citing economic downturn, the teachers would be denied merit pay for the last year, money that was supposed to be distributed on December 1st. One board member mentioned her concerns that the school districts and teachers will be upset if they don't get the bonus.

Gee, you think?

For those of you who don't live in my fair bastard state, let me inform you of something I've come to know: Teachers in Utah are treated like one-eyed stepchildren by local government. Walking into the education field here in Utah is a complete and total act of love, because you are not getting compensated for shit. Pay levels are abysmal, benefits packages are minute, and as for public appreciation? Well let's face it, teachers don't get appreciated in any state.

And our legislature has made it near impossible for any educator to get any degree of fair compensation. I have routinely made bigger paychecks than most teachers, who happen to possess a Bachelor's, a Master's, and several years of experience. However, the legislature has had no problem forking out thousands of buckaroos to build new school buildings. Not that there were anything wrong with the old facilities, but the new buildings look so much cooler, or something to that effect.

And now, after a year of very hard work, they don't even get a bonus.

Explain this logic to me people. They are, for the most part, government employees. They need special licenses and years of study just to do what they do. Day in and day out, they do a very difficult job for very little pay. But somehow, the economic downturn means that money should have gone justifiably, to the teachers, is being saved?

Saved for what? Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't having teachers in the classroom what makes a school? Oh sure, you can have a nice building, maybe even a playground in back. Hell, you can have school books, but it's not technically a school until there is someone in every classroom doing actual teaching. You can't have a restaurant without cooks, so how are you going to have a school without teachers? So, if they're not getting compensated, then what is this money going to exactly?

More prepackaged food items that are slowly converting our children into corn syrup junkies? Maintenance on outdated school buses that are falling apart at the seams? Shinier and prettier buildings that have no effect on what a child learns? Tell me oh great Board of Education, because I am damned curious.

Hitler's Birthday

Stumbled across this on the interweb, and felt compelled to say a few things.

So, here's the scoop: Heath and Deborah Campbell, a couple from New Jersey, saw fit to name their little boy Adolf Hitler Campbell who just turned three this week. And apparently, in the process of trying to order a birthday cake for their little son through a local baker, were flat out denied. The bakers refused to put the child's name on the cake, citing that they, "reserve the right to refuse printing anything on a cake they deem inappropriate."

Both parents are of course, outraged, commenting that the toddler has friends who are black. Heath was reported to have said, "If we’re so racist, then why would I have them come into my home?"

These are the facts, now here's my take on the matter:

WHAT IN THE HOLY FUCK IS THIS WEIRD AND DEPRAVED SHIT?

You've got people who willingly, and without contrived force, name their child after one of the most infamous people in history, and then expect the world to be cool about it? I don't care what side of the fence you sit on, you can't argue that Adolf Hitler (the first one) killed a whole lot of people. That's not rumor or perspective, that's good old fashioned fact. And it's a pretty safe bet that the world at large feels a mite uncomfortable with ol' Adolf (again, the first one.) The man built up a hell of a bad reputation after all. Now you've got some crazy family who sees no problem in naming their child after the man, and then is surprised when people get squeamish? Ye gods, how does that work?

And let's face it, naming their child after Hitler was a choice. It's not like the kids last name was Hitler, and that the family was stuck with the stigma of having a name that transcended time. Kid's last name is Campbell. Lots of names could be applied to Campbell and still not carry any bad history with it. No, the fact is that this family CHOSE to name their son Adolf Hitler Campbell. It means that after lil' Adolf (the second one) was born, the two parents sat down, thought long and hard, and under no duress or pressure from anyone, decided to name their child this.

And bear in mind Adolf isn't the lone child in this equation. He has two younger sisters named Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie (which may be a tribute to Heinrich Himmler) and JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell. Apparently, the family is trying to build a little theme here.

So, it's pretty darn clear that I have a different personal politic than the Campbells. I'm pretty sure that if I were to sit down and talk with these folks, I wouldn't be much of a fan of who they are or what they believe. But, I'm not going to argue their right to do what they're doing. Mr. and Mrs Campbell, if you really wanna name your kid Adolf Hitler, well that is your right and I cannot stop you.

However.........

Did you really think that the world at large wouldn't freak out by this? That the idea of willfully naming children after murderers and extremists wouldn't go unnoticed? In what part of your brain did you really figure that a cake baking company would be okay with this? Hell, according to the article, you tried this very same thing two years ago. Apparently, they weren't willing to draw swastikas on a cake for some family function of yours. You'd figure by this point in the game, you'd take the hint. They're not down with your sense of style, or your ironic means of naming children.

And if I were you, Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, I'd start getting used to this. If you think getting a goddamn cake is hard, imagine the cold shock and discomfort of this kid going to school. You don't think there aren't going to be a few black eyes? Or how about when he's old enough to get a job? You think those employers are really gonna pounce on a kid named after Adolf Hitler? You have just made this poor kid's life real goddamn hard. And I'm not even sure why. Either you are real impressed and proud with Adolf Hitler's "achievements" or you just wanted to shock the world with your knowledge of sick history. Regardless, it's a little fucked up to use your kids as your own personal social statement.

I could go on for great lengths on this tangent, but I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to offer one solid suggestion to help smooth the friction:

Go to the fucking store, buy a fucking cookbook, and learn how to bake your own fucking cakes!

Tom Cruise Apologizes For Being A Douche

Well, it took a few years, and the development of a reputation as a mister crazy pants, but Tom Cruise has finally acknowledged that he may have overreacted during his 2005 interview with Matt Lauer. While doing the rounds for his latest pile of steaming crap "Valkyrie," Cruise admitted that he was regretful of his behavior during that interview, where a confrontation erupted between Cruise and Lauer over Brook Shield's use of antidpressants for post-partum depression. Cruise believes he appears arrogant and that "he did not communicate it in the way he wanted to communicate it."

Well shiver me timbers, I never thought I'd see the day. Granted, this isn't really much of an apology, but it's more than I ever expected to see. A stubborn idiot with too much glory tied to his name, admitting to the world that he may not have handled a situation well. And all it took was a few years, and the constant disgust and mocking from the world at large to make him see the light.

Now if only we could get these sorts of feel goods from the government, well then life would be pretty darn sweet my friends.