I'm Going To Disneyland!

And wrecking some shit....because I can.

Yeah, this is old stuff and has been done before, but damnit, I think it still has flair. Especially with my fine name attached to it.

Special thanks to Cuppy for sending this my way.

Jessica Simpson's New Commercial

I just saw a new Macy's commercial featuring my favorite bobble-headed dim-wit Jessica Simpson. The commercial featured some woman getting decked out in odd colored, slightly tawdry garb. Upon exiting the store, she is called upon by the doofus and told, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do." Then the doofus winks and walks away. End scene.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do she says. Well, this has the potential to be a very big list indeed.
Some of the ones that immediately spring to mind are:

.Date John Mayer
.Learn lyrics before singing them
.Bastardize a classic song to sell a disgusting pizza that looks like toes
.Read a book
.Act


Anyone else want in?

Sex Talk

Sex enhancement. Penis enlargement. A boost to the ol' scrotum. It's not uncommon to go through your day and not hear about this miracle aids. Let's face it, for as necessary as email has become in the day to day, trying to avoid the constant flow of misspelled ads is damned near pointless anymore. These hooligans peddling their snake oils have tried every trick in the book to lure you to their products. They've tried the blunt approach: "Your dick is small, but it doesn't have to be." Harsh, but it gets the point across. Some try the nice approach. With simple "Hi's" or "Hey, how are you?" in the subject lines, hoping that you might mistake that unknown email address as someone you actually know. Open her up, and you'll find a very polite form letter about your inadequate features. "Look, I know you're pencil thin and impotent, but it's okay. I still respect you for the person you are. So much so, that I'm gonna let you in on a little secret medicine that will help you clear that minuscule disaster right up." My personal favorites are the ones that offer up pointless quirks to genital enhancement. "Cum like a rocket ship!" they will claim. "Make your jizz bomb fly twelve feet upon ejaculation." Don't get me wrong, it sounds impressive, and I'm sure it's quite the spectacle to witness, but of what real benefit is it to the common man? What truly immeasurable element can a man feel like a success with when having long range sperm? "Honey, I drink too much and can't last more than two minutes in the sack, but I ejaculate like a whale, it's glorious!" It seems pointless and unnecessary, and could really only impress your palm and fingers after an intricate session of self love, but it's part of the spin. There's little one can do to avoid it.

Especially now in this day and age. What once was only regulated to emails and spam seems to have gone public. It started innocently enough with "Smilin' Bob." The figurehead for the Enzyte commercials. Yes, Smilin' Bob was a normal mediocre guy, just like all you other sacks of crap out there, until he popped a few pills. And now, he's out there skydiving, running for office, and impressing the hell out of everyone he meets. The man is living life to the fullest and finding great success, all thanks to smiling like an idiot and a supposed freakish member. Back when I first saw these hideous things, I figured there was no way this can last. And here we are years later, Watching Bob become an icon of similar caliber to Tony the Tiger or Aunt Jemima. Not that Bob's wholesome mind you, but if you passed him on the street, you'd know who he was and what he was pitching. Still, it was subtle innuendo, nothing more. It's only a thirty second commercial right? Still easy to look past it and ignore the dark underbelly that was being presented to you.

Not any more. Now they have infomercials. Yes, these crazed drug peddlers have gotten so successful, that they can now buy up a half hour of programming to talk about their wares. I've seen it with my own eyes. A late night program called "Sex Talk" that did nothing but gaily pitch the inadequate dimensions of the average man, and a solution that was guaranteed by no one to work.

It even has all the trappings of infomercialism. The coy program name that makes it sound like a legitimate regular program and not a one time deal. The hosts were mildly attractive and sounded completely unintelligent as they spoke enthusiastically about this magical product off of cue cards. Yes, it could very well be mistaken for hair trimmers or juice makers, if not for the name and the content.

And what happens to hair trimmers and juice makers? All those bad kitchen products that used to eat up an hour of cartoon time on Saturday mornings? Sure it was garbage, but it was at least wholesome garbage. That electric knife may burn out after three uses, but it wouldn't make you inadequate. Gullible maybe, but certainly not inadequate. And now, in between dehydrators and pet clippers, there is just what every man out there needs: girth.

It really doesn't concern me that these people are being successful in selling this kind of stuff. Many males have concerns about this kind of thing and need to believe that there's a cure. Totally understandable. Obviously I don't buy into it, but I'm willing to let self conscious men delude themselves into thinking this could work. What concerns me is the acceptance. That people, men and women alike, are so comfortable with this material that it's considered common place to entertain it anywhere. Ads in magazines, regular reminders on the interweb, and commercials galore. So acceptable has it become, that now a couple can spend a half hour of their lives sitting on the couch and watching plastic people talk about swelling johnsons. And now, man and wife can both seriously consider a man's infinitesimal groin size and the benefits such a product can garner. From this day forth, in every man's heart where they've been beat down with the regular stream of such information, he can always carry a small place in his heart where he can question, "Am I really not big enough?" "Do I need to be enhanced?" No matter how small that doubt may be, it will exist, eating away at the confidence and pushing one closer and closer to breaking out that credit card and hoping for the best. And day after day of hitting that medicine cabinet, concerned decent men will hope that one day they will open their eyes after a long night's sleep, and find a leviathan waiting for them.

Of course, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably nothing. Especially considering the psychological damage that advertisements have done to woman-kind, we fellas are still sitting pretty good.

The Death Of Common Sense

Here's something that troubles me. I was up late, as usual, watching a bit of late night television, getting bombarded by the slew of commercials that are unavoidable in these late hours. These were post midnight commercials, the B grade stuff. The ones that can't quite cut it in prime time. Overly ridiculous insurance ads, beer advertisements that are lacking in the requisite male ego stroking, all surrounded by the budding breasts of dumb drunk women who were paid to disrobe on film. Hideous stuff.

But in and out of my lapses of attention with these dreadful piles of crap, one such commercial did catch my eye. It was an ad for a website called commonsensemedia.com Apparently this bastion of goodness was purposed to inform the mothers of the world about all of the evils that may plague their children. By providing reviews on things like music, television programs, and video game titles, the optimistic parent can finally keep tabs on what dangerous elements exist around their children's lives. It's all noble and good, and certainly has a useful purpose but, I'm still quite troubled.

Where did we misplace so much of our common sense, that we would need a fucking webpage to replenish it? Is our own innate common sense so weak, that this is our only recourse?
Apparently, the modern parent has become so dependent on the editorial musings of others, that we no longer trust ourselves to think concisely over simple matters like what our children watch. A URL like this is all we have.

The commercial plays out like this. Mom buys a videogame for her son, because of the recommendation of her friend. Mom later learns through this invaluable online resource that said video game is actually bad, meaning jam packed with violence, adult situations, and so forth. Thus, she gets rid of the game, becoming a reasonable and responsible mother once more.

I'm willing to acknowledge that there are irresponsible people out there, It's hard to avoid them I know, but surely there can't be a mom who spends money, money that could be used on bills or food, to acquire a videogame for their child, and not know what they're buying. "Oh, a friend said it was okay, but I needed to check the website to be sure." Well, here's an idea; Why didn't you just look at the fucking box? Videogames come in boxes, and those boxes have art on them. Art that usually indicates the content of the game. And if you were to see a chiseled muscular man holding a decapitated human skull while a half naked woman gyrates on his hip with erect nipples, you should have a pretty good idea about what this game should be about. Hell for a couple extra seconds of effort, you could flip the box around. Not only would you see more art, but you'd also see a rating system that the government has mandated to be there. In less time then it takes you to scratch you ass,you'd know what kind of dangerous elements a purchase like that might spell for your children.

The same goes for television. It doesn't matter if you have cable or satellite, both have remotes with an INFO button on it. And you can find out, with a simple press of that button, what exactly your kids are watching. It's painfully simple, and doesn't require running to your computer to read a fucking website every time your kid changes the channel.

Is this really what the new parent is relying on? Flipping on their laptops and reviewing entertainment mediums to see what's good or bad? Is this what is done every time a kid wants to go to the store to pick up a new video game? What if you get there and suddenly they want a different video game? What happens to your research then? Must you run home and web it again until you've got the requisite data?

Seems to me, it would just be easier to talk to your kids. To interact in their lives, watch television with them, to not just watch them disappear into a dark hole with some newly acquired bit of cutting edge graphics and hope for the best. And perhaps you won't be able to stop these dangerous and graphic deviations in their lives. That sort of thing is everywhere, and if they don't entertain it at home, they just might do it somewhere else. So no, full on prevention may not be an option. But at the very least, you might understand why shooting the head off of some green mutant looking thing with a futuristic high powered rifle is so damned important to them. Hell, if you're really lucky, you just might be able to get them to go outside with you. Maybe play a little catch or go hiking, and get the hell away from those godforsaken gadgets that dominate their lives.

But I'm not a parent, what the hell do I know? Just let your children get fed by expensive video games and whatever they can find on TV. I'm sure they'll be fine.